Britain's Prisons to Close

Written by IN SEINE

Friday, 21 December 2007

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WORMWOOD SCRUBS: DEMOLITION IMMINENT

Today the government hinted that it is not interested in people who are given custodial sentences of less than a year anyway, so why should they be interested in those with 10 years either?

The whole penile system is a farce and the easiest option is to abolish it.

The Right Honourable Jack Straw MP, Secretary of State for Justice, told In Seine News:

"The British Prison System is so full of fraudsters, law-breakers, and people who 'do naughty things' that it is becoming difficult to distinguish them from the House of Commons - so-much-so that it would be the best policy to close them altogether!"

He added: "I would hasten to add that it would represent a massive saving to the taxpayer - money that could be spent on more urgent issues like keeping Northern Rock afloat. It currently costs £675 per week to keep an inmate in prison (almost double the cost of a week at Butlin's) and with overcrowding in cells it will be a matter of urgency to release the offenders from such inhumane conditions."

Alas stir Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer, could hardly contain his excitement when he told us: "Britain has always been a world-leader and innovator of such principles and it is hoped that such a brave move will prove to be a great success. The money saved would mean that more homes could be built, meaning more mortgages taken out and because Northern Rock is one of the leading money lenders, it makes plain sense to use their services. Public confidence in Northern Rock would once again be restored."

Furthermore, the jails are not built upon flood plains (unlike New Orleans prison) and therefore provide valuable land on which to build secure, 'waterproof' housing.

This does NOT bode well for those who work in the legal system; Judges Barristers, Court Clerks, Prison Warders, Policemen, and the like, could all be made redundant overnight and will have to retrain for a new career.

Sir Ian Blair is reputed to move to Portugal next year.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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