80 Year Old Virgin Says He'll Probably Never Have Sex

Funny story written by Len

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

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Manny Jacobs in 1973

Miami, FLA - Manny Jacobs has never had sexual intercourse with a woman. And at 80 years old, he knows that now, he probably never will.

Suffering from double pneumonia, Jacobs spends his pathetic days in an oxygen tent hooked up to a tangle of tubes and wires. As he takes breath after labored breath, the frail man wonders if he'll ever get laid.

"I've had my opportunities," says Jacobs. "There was Gina in college... my old secretary, Maude," he smiles, "but the time never seemed right to come right out and ask them for sex."

Although he knows that death is near, Jacobs still holds one small spark of hope within his shriveled heart, in the form of 32 year old Nurse Jessica Stanton.

Standing at almost 6 feet 2 inches tall, Stanton is an impressive figure in her skin tight nurse's uniform and cascade of honey-blonde hair. "If I could have sex with her," said Jacobs, "I think I would die happy."

We couldn't help but feel sorry for the old coot, so we arranged an interview with Ms. Stanton and asked her if she would grant the elderly virgin his dying wish and send him to his reward a happy man.

She sighed deeply and said, "You have no idea how many times I get asked that!" and added, "I wish I never took this stupid job!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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