He's been shagged, he's been fagged, he's been tagged, snagged and nagged but he's never been hagged. Now, depressed at not being able to join his fellow soldiers in Iraq and despondent at being dumped by gal-pal Chelsy, Prince 'Arry (the spare to the throne) had good reason to smile today.
After a night of voracious vodka-snorting at London's top clubs followed by a binge of violent puking into celebrity handbags, 'Arry was paddy-waggoned by his Royal Minders, somewhat detoxified and brought in shackles before Her Majesty. Following a we are not amused lecture, during which Harry fiddled with his ginger eyebrows, a Royal Decree has been issued. 'Arry will be joining his mates in action on the front-lines.
The Daily Muckraker was first to run the story. However, there is a Royal Twist - 'Arry won't actually go to Iraq. Instead, he will be confined to the Tower where in a virtual atmosphere he'll be connected to the live action allowing Harry to follow manoeuvres via a virtual headset so he can feel like he's there. The game is the brainchild of 10-year old Brit wunderkind Gamish Patel.
"'Arry's so sozzled he wont know the difference", said a highly-placed courtier on condition of anonymity.
Meanwhile an enraged Brittany Spears spoke on behalf of herself and other celebrities who were partying with Harry the night before and in whose handbags he puked. Calling for reparation Brit slurred, "Yo, like he puked in ma fitty-thousand dollar Louis Vuitton ya'll. He puked all over ma chihuahuas, ma babies Charles and Camilla".
In yet another attempt to deflect bad publicity, the Queen's Royal Designer Norman Hartnell agreed to replace their pukified handbags with his very own replicas of the 1950s Royal Bag.
"Krrrrhhh", said Britt , "like what's that ya'll?"
"Yeah 'es a right real tosser i'nt 'e?" goaded a sleazy papparazzo.
"Yo, whatever", said Britt, flashing her nether regions before turning to breastfeed C&C.
London's leading celeb-psychologist and agony aunt Medulla Oblongata opined that Harry's problems are rooted in the awful couture of the Royals and his Etna-like projectile spewing into celeb handbags is a classic example of passive aggressive behaviour towards Her Majesty.