Islamabad, Pachyderm (IP) - A new video tape smuggled out of the mountain resort town of Pachyderm appears to show an intoxicated Bin Laden breaking down and lamenting about how his attack against the United States on 9-11 was the greatest blunder of his bungling career.
In one hand Bin Laden held a cocktail concocted from pure grain alcohol, sugar cane juice, and Coca Cola which had a little camouflaged umbrella in it. With the other hand he stuffed pork rinds into his mouth like a man who had not had a proper meal in months. He spoke with his mouth full and pork rind particles were spewing everywhere. His rusty old AK-47 and twin 50 round banana clips tapped end to end sat near him as always.
The pork rinds, he said, had made him realize that starting a fight with America was just like wrestling with a pig in the mud. "After a while you realize, much to your horror and dismay, that the pig actually enjoys it!"
Furthermore Americans kill each other over a quarter lost during a game of billiards as if it were the drop of a hat. He described how Americans beat the hell out of each other for sport and how they routinely shoot each other in drive by shootings and often the weapon of choice is his beloved AK-47. He was horrified to find out that Marines are probably less scared of dying than are the men he sends to their death based on a narrow, erroneous and minority interpretation of his holy book.
Asked why he has not yet martyred himself he snapped back that the east is no different from the west. War, suffering, and prison are, according to Bin Laden, for economically poor losers who had no money and therefore nothing to live for. He said that all you have to do is deny an entire class the ability to better themselves through education and economic gain and this was enough to turn them into hopeless automatons willing to carry our mindless orders that include their self destruction.
Another tactic is for the ruling wealthy class to create divisions among the lower classes by instigating superficial racial friction among people who actually have very similar characteristics when you look deep inside them. He said they become so busy hating and killing each other that they never have a chance to stop and reflect upon the fact that they are just being manipuilated and are working against their own interests. For instance in the United States it is liberal vs conservative, black vs white, and anglo vs hispanic. He also pointed out how quickly a well organized general strike among unified masses could bring down the price of petroleum to $1.50 a gallon
Finally he said with a smile, "its a bitch being stuck at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid".