Written by Doug Powers

Sunday, 1 February 2004

image for Global panic after Tony Robbins hits snooze button, goes back to sleep
An indifferent police officer leisurely arrests an unmotivated rioter

The world was in shock, and fears of global collapse and armageddon circled the planet after it was learned that motivational guru Tony Robbins was getting lazy.

After it was reported that Robbins was jolted awake by his alarm clock at 5:30 a.m., then yawned, hit the "snooze" button, and fell back asleep, Japan's Nikkei index plummetted to a near all-time low. "I haven't seen a panic like that in Tokyo since Godzilla came out on IMAX," according to one trader.

In the United States, the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell to a record low, and word of Robbins getting lazy caused a massive run on banks throughout the country, and a general panic.

"People are confused, frightened, and taking to the streets," according to the New York City Police Department Spokesman. "But fortunately, the rioters, and pretty much everybody else, are unmotivated, thanks to Tony not being there to charge them up."

To further complicate a situation of already near disastrous proportions, it has been learned that Tony Robbins' next book will be entitled, "Ah, screw it! - In the big picture, nothing you do matters".

When reached for comment, Robbins was in his living room, clad in a grease stained bathrobe, four day beard growth, eating Fritos, and watching TV Land.

According to former king of motivation, "Well... it's like this. I've got a ton of money now. I'm gonna lay around the rest of my life eating ice cream if it's all the same to you. Frito?"

Robbins, reacting to questions about what he would do to help quell the global panic, said he'd be happy to go on television and try to convince people he's not really lazy, but he'll only do that "after a few beers and a nap."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Armageddon, planet

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