Thunderbirds are stop!

Funny story written by Toby Maller

Saturday, 12 May 2007

image for Thunderbirds are stop!
Brain's glasses not only look smart - but they make him smart

International Rescue bosses have today announced that they are in consultation with unions over job losses, after the company's product development manager, Brains, left to join rival organisation, Stingray.

The news comes as a further blow to jobs in the region, following last month's collapse of security company Terrahawks, based at nearby Hawksnest.

Brains - real name Hiram K Hackenbacker - is responsible for International Rescue's entire inventory of remarkable emergency vehicles.

His shock departure been described as 'devastating' by the company's MD, Jeff Tracy, also known as Father.

Sell out

Speaking of Brains' decision, Mr Tracy said: "Well, I'm officially 's', 'a', 'd'. His departure spells disaster for the company.

International Rescue - a wholly owned subsidiary of Tracy Island Holdings Ltd - employs 12 full-time staff, from specialist pilots to Grandma.

Mr Tracy said: "We're going to be scaling down our operation incrementally and retiring the vehicles in the order: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, until Thunderbirds are K.O."

However, Mr Tracy revealed that the company name would survive, owing to his decision to carry on International Rescue as a consultancy, even indicating he'd be interested in working with Stingray himself.

Mr Tracy said: "Yes, I can confirm that I'll act as a consultant to the industry. Maybe Stingray will call on me!".

Clever shit

Former orphan, Brains, was adopted at a young age by a Cambridge University Professor, who recognised his genius and sponsored his education.

Brains first met Jeff Tracy in Paris, as he nervously delivered a science lecture in a university auditorium. Mr Tracy immediately hired the boy genius and brought him to Tracy Island with a brief to create versatile vehicles for all environments.

At 25, he's believed to be one of the youngest millionaire inventors in the world, with an estimated fortune of $900m.

His severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), means that all of his time is devoted to refining and modifying his remarkable inventions.

Relaunch

Speaking of his company's new appointment, Stingray boss Sam Shore said: "Competition is strong in this sector and we need Brains in order to stay ahead of the game. The market is changing all the time. Indeed, anything can happen in the next half hour."

He went on: "We've been going through a comprehensive re-branding here at Stingray. We've been off the radar for a while, but stand by for action - we're about to re-launch Stingray!"

Only last year, International Rescue faced a similar crisis after it was revealed that new business manager Lady Penelope was rumoured to be leaving to join Spectrum, home of Captain Scarlet.

Prick-tease

Mrs Penelope was photographed by the press on a number of occasions in hotels and bars around London, talking with senior members of the Scarlet team.

She was even romantically linked to widower Colonel White, also known as Robert Snow and Charles Gray, a claim which was rubbished by the Spectrum CEO, but not before his previously spotless reputation took a battering in the tabloid press.

However, it's believed the Spectrum deal fell through when negotiations hit a stalemate after Mrs Penelope's demands to be named 'Captain Pink' where met with little enthusiasm.

Instead, Mr White apparently wanted to appoint the socialite as his sixth 'Angel', under the title 'Prosperity Angel', a move which infuriated Mrs Peneolope, prompting her to publicly label the Colonel a 'sexist twat'.

International dole queue

Today, staff back at International Rescue have been left pondering their futures.

Thunderbird 1 pilot Scott Tracy spoke of his surprise at the closure: "We were called into Father's office immediately after returning from a mission to save a school from a fire, only to be told by Father that he was letting us go".

He added: "Obviously the unions are trying their best to persuade Father to carry on, but without our specialist equipment we're nothing. We could carry on with regular equipment, but the reality is that the fire brigade could do the job at a fraction of the price... Well, for free, actually."

Thuderbird 2 pilot Virgil Tracy wasn't as shocked, saying: "I knew it. Brains has been obsessing over Thunderbird 4 (International Rescue's own submarine) for weeks."

Traitor

He went on: "The scheming little bastard's been plotting this for ages. What am I going to do now? I'm too old to join the air force, and besides, the forces and civvy street pay less than a quarter of what I'm used to. I've got a mortgage, for fuck's sake!".

A dejected Gordon Tracy, Thunderbird 4's aquanaut, feels his father has let him down.

The usually jolly brother said: "I gave up a career as a professional swimmer for this fucking joker. I don't think I can ever talk to him again. He's sold out on all of us. Bastard."

Meanwhile, concerns are growing for the well-being of Thunderbird 5 space station crewman, John Tracy.

Fucked

Without the technical support of Brains, Thunderbird 3 - John's only means of return to earth - will remain grounded after being deemed unairworthy by Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) inspectors, having suffered a bird strike to the engine whilst returning from the recent school fire mission.

John is in constant contact with Tracy Island, as ever, but concerns have been raised as to what will happen when specialist communications equipment at HQ is shut down, following the closure of the company.

Sophisticated anti-radar devices built into the ring around Thunderbird 5 prevent it from being detected by all but the specialist Tracy Island equipment. Once this equipment at HQ has been de-commissioned, it's feared John could be lost in space forever.

Tony Blair has been called on to negotiate a lifeline financial package for the company with the treasury, to facilitate the safe return of John to earth.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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