Canadian Prime Minister Admits His Ministers Are War Criminals

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Friday, 27 April 2007

image for Canadian Prime Minister Admits His Ministers Are War Criminals
The agent of unspeakable torture in Afghanistan

OTTAWA (CP) - Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has admitted there is "clear evidence" that members of his government and army are war criminals, since they are knowingly handing over insurgent prisoners of war to be tortured by the Afghan government.

In another fierce day in the House of Commons Question Period, a trembling Stephen Harper freely admitted that Chief of Defence Staff General Rick Hillier and Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor knew of the torture of prisoners.

"Yes, we knew, we knew!" cried Harper. "They were tortured by being forced to listen to those songs that Paris Hilton bleats out…and worse."

The Conservative Canadian government drastically changed its story after several reports confirmed the gross criminality of Canadian government actions.

The Opposition again called for O'Connor to be sacked and tried for war crimes, and for an end to prisoner transfers to the Afghan government until their safety is assured.

"It would not surprise me is some of those prisoners went deaf due to that savage and soulless torture," said one Opposition critic. "They are even being exposed to her music videos on YouTube!"

Bloc Québécois Leader Gilles Duceppe called Harper "a snivelling imitation of George Bush," and said Canada and other NATO countries "should not be fighting Bush's oil wars in Afghanistan, especially using those ugly instruments of torture like Paris Hilton CDs and videos."

Totally cowed by Opposition accusations, Harper and Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day repeatedly acknowledged that the allegations being levelled at the government were true, while the Liberals, BQ and New Democrats said in a written statement that "this sleazebag government should just resign and get it over with."

The Toronto Globe and Mail newspaper revealed Monday that more than 30 detainees had been tortured in Afghanistan jails after being transferred from Canadian military custody.

The controversy has prompted a Canadian professor and a human rights activist to demand General Rick Hillier and O'Connor be tried for war crimes by the International Criminal Court, having made a formal request by letter.

Canada has clearly violated the Geneva Conventions they argued, since Canada must ensure that prisoners it transfers to other authorities are not tortured, especially by "music" like that.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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