Written by Abraxas

Monday, 23 April 2007

image for General Jomo Gbomo Heads Interim Government in Nigeria.
MEND warships from Escravos & Brass, that escorted Gen. Jomo Gbomo to Lokoja, from where he left for national assignment.

ABUJA, Nigeria. (23-April-2007): A day of surprises and high drama in Abuja has seen the Nigerian naira reach its highest value against the US dollar, the UK pound Stirling, the Euro, and the Yen since 1914, with the Chief of Staff of the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (M.E.N.D.), General Jomo Gbomo, sworn in by General Okikiolakan Aremu Obasanjo as Chairman of the new "Transition Unity Caretaker Government", at Aso Rock Villa, Abuja today. The spot market price of Nigerian Bonny Light benchmark crude oil has since dropped to below US$30 per barrel, for the first time in five (5) years!

In the face of ever increasing criticism of his rather inept handling of the festering insurgency in the Niger Delta region of Nigeria, and his unbelievable intransigence in refusing to, at least, apologize for the several punitive expeditions that he directed against the peace-loving people of the Niger Delta region, apparently, patience finally ran out against General Obasanjo among a cabal of retired high-ranking military officers, with several years of coup-plotting experience among them.

A covert operation, consisting of just a half-dozen "militants" loyal to General Jomo Gbomo, surprised General Olusegun Obasanjo at his Obasanjo Farms Nigeria Ltd (OFN) retreat in Otta, where he was holidaying during the weekend after the presidential elections, resulted in the overpowering of the Nigerian president's bodyguards, and his being put under house arrest. Incidentally, Senator (Ms.) Florence (Mama Bakassi) Ita-Giwa, who happened to also be at the Otta retreat then, offered only token resistance, but, according to presidency witnesses, quietly encouraged the "militants" to lock her up in the same room with her president and commander-in-chief, for the sake of "the peace and unity of the Federal Republic".

The Abuja operation went according to plans. It was envisaged that minimal resistance would be encountered after surrounding Aso Rock Villa, and Apo Legislative Village with tanks, infantry and artillery officers, lethally armed with rocket-propelled grenades, bazookas and dynamite, including vehicles equipped with loudspeakers blaring away non-stop underground spiritual vibes by Fela Anikulapo Kuti and classical highlife tunes by Cardinal Rex Jim Lawson at over 115 decibels.

In a highly synchronized early morning battlefield maneuver, M.E.N.D. combatants, in collaboration with patriotic SSS and National Intelligence Agency (NIA) operatives sympathetic to General Jomo Gbomo, took General Olusegun Obasanjo, Alhaji Atiku Abubakar, and all the service chiefs, in a lightening move, into protective custody at an off-shore platform, just after midnight of Sunday, 22 April 2007, for over 5 hours. It was considered a complete waste of time and resources to bother about Generals Ibrahim Babangida, Aliyu Gussau, Theophilus Danjuma, Muhammadu Buhari, Abdulsalami Abubakar, and David Mark, as bugged telephone conversations revealed that they were all about to flee, or have already fled Nigeria anyway, and any organized opposition from any one of them would probably have been a monumental failure, knowing how very much Nigerians despise them.

Congratulatory messages to Chairman Jomo Gbomo continue to flood in from the international community, including many of the world's leaders like George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden, Tony Blair, and Hajiya (Dr.) Mariam Sani-Abacha.

General Jomo Gbomo, in a nationwide broadcast, promised over 140 million Nigerians worldwide: "My tenure in Aso Rock Villa will be very brief, and I intend to hold a free, fair, transparent, and democratic election as soon as I can get in touch with Nuhu Ribadu, who we have just appointed the new Chairman of INEC. With immediate effect, INEC is hereby transfered from the executive branch of government, to the judiciary under the direct supervision and control of the Chief Justice of the Federation. The Constitution is hereby amended accordingly, for a start".

A joint communique signed by the Federal Government of Nigeria and M.E.N.D. confirms that the government of the Federal Republic of Nigeria has since outsourced the defense of that oil-producing country's 853 kilometre coastline to M.E.N.D., as coast guards, for ensuring the effective protection of Nigeria's territorial waters, and mangrove swamp terrain in which most of Nigeria's petroleum industry operates, while the Nigerian Navy would handle deep sea naval operations within Nigeria's exclusive economic zone (EEZ).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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