Oscar Pistorius chews his own arms off

Funny story written by Toeknee Abcess

Monday, 7 September 2015

South African Paralympian Oscar Pistorius, currently incarcerated for the shooting killing of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, has chewed both his arms off in prison. Pistorius faces an appeal by South African state prosecutors for a longer sentence than the 5 year term handed down in November 2014.

The now limbless convict apparently suffered recurrent nightmares in which he was Jesus being crucified. In his dream he watched helplessly from the cross as Ms Steemkamp shot herself in his bathroom believing herself to be an intruder in Pistorius' house.

"Ya, eey know my dream sounds bloody far fetched maan, well no more far fetched than shooting at an imaginary intruder eey couldn't see while eey didn't imagine my girlfriend might be having a quiet pee. But to me the dream was bloody real maan. And being a national sporting hero eey had to help so eey chewed my way off that bloody cross. Unfortunately eey actually chewed my bloody arms off before eey woke up."

Pistorius' manager and spokesman Bruce Van Dryver read out an emotional statement on Pistorius' behalf. "Oscar has suffered enough. His sporting career is now limited to juggling grapes on his nose, chin and eye sockets or possibly downhill snowball rolling. He is the true victim 'ere and deserves a second chance. He really is dreadfully sorry for shooting four times in the dark and accidentally killing Ms Steenkamp, eet was just an unlucky accident and she should have worn full body armour on the john just in case Oscar went into one of his frequent gun-toting rages".

The appeal against Pistorius' sentence is expected to last several months. Critics claim Pistorius chewed his arms off to gain public sympathy.  Meanwhile  Pistorius has lost all his original sponsorships but this week picked up a new endorsement from prosthetics company "Rent An Arm".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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