Written by Samuel Vargo

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

image for Filthy rich Texas oil heir Corey Knowlton kills endangered black rhino in an effort to save rhinos
A black rhino turns into a white rhino when it's infuriated that some guy is shooting at him..

What a man! What a killer! Entitled rich-guy Corey Knowlton spent $350,000 on an auction this winter - in early January - so he could legally and safely kill one of the world's most aggressive and dangerous wild animals. And on Monday, he pulled this off, killing a black rhino, which is protected as an endangered species.

With only 4,500 members of this species left in the world, even one of the monstrous horned beasts will be greatly missed in the ecological order of things. When the Homo Sapient ape is the only species left on this blue, green, and white globe, we're all going to realize how lonely and lonesome we really are without all those other critters around. Even being bitten by a mosquito or a wasp would be a welcome sign, if all other species, including insects, become extinct. Oh hell's bells, even they're all gone - those pesky raccoons, possums, bats, snakes and rats! They certainly wouldn't be pests anymore; no, no, no-sir-ree - they'd be welcomed household guests! But it's all too late. Everything's extinct except us. And we're all nothing but a bunch of fucking assholes!

If you have the money and the clout these days, you can kill just about anything. And although it's a massive monster, the black rhino is at the very bottom of humankind's food chain. For a wealthy 1 percenter like Corey Knowlton, anyhow.

The hunt was part of some farcical thing called "an auction of The Safari Club," which was being sponsored by the Dallas Safari Club, reports Daily Kos.

This Namibia shoot-fest even created its own Twitter storm. Actress Mia Farrow chimed in the Twitter frenzy with the message: a wealthy Texas hunter just killed an endangered black rhino

And it gets even phonier and more sickening: The whole concept about having this hunt for an endangered species (like black rhinos) was for The Safari Club to raise money for the further proliferation of the building up of numbers of this big, brawny, bad-tempered beast, the Daily Kos article goes on to explain. Maybe all this dough can be spent for baby formula for infant black rhinos. Black rhinos are loveable darlings when they're little tikes, but when they grow up to be dreadful, obscenely horrendous, horned bulls, it's best just to leave them alone. If one is chasing you, you might as well have the wrath of hell flying your way. - And that's what humankind has been mandated to do - just leave these animals alone. And for crying out loud, don't shoot at them with high-powered rifles like this bonehead Corey Knowlton.

A canned and controlled wild-animal killing - even one held to kill something as dangerous and testy as a black rhino - is as safe as little kids bobbing for apples at a Halloween party. There's very little chance of one of the apples jumping out of a tub and biting Little Suzie or Jumpin' Johnnie on the chin. As you can see from the photos in the accompanying articles, this entitled monster with the big bad gun had more than enough guides to act as his human shields if the rhino actually charged and had an intent to do some irreparable harm. The guides, all experienced big-game hunters, no doubt, and armed to the hilt, look like they're part of a local contingency of some paramilitary operative - just by perusing the various photos accompanying the media storm that was plastered all over cyberspace Tuesday afternoon and night. Meantime, Mr. "Might Is Right & My Daddy Has More Money Than God" Knowlton, whose father owns a private energy firm named BASA, is pictured here with a wide, beaming, shit-eating grin. Obviously proud, he looks like he just won WW-I all by his lonesome lonely self.

Now hold on for just a cotton-pickin' second here. Going on this train of crazy logic - killing rhinos to save rhinos - isn't that sort of like asking starving people to go on a long fast to fight hunger? Let's say, each emaciated and sickly victim - already knocking on death's door - is obliged to summon-up a whole litany of supporters, with each supporter vowing to chip in $5 a day for each 24-hour fast? Whoopy dogs! Let's all us under-the-bridge indigents just get 500 supporters each, starve for another month, then we can all eat at that fancy/shmansy seafood restaurant with the big blue fish as its marquee symbol every day for a year!

This scheme - having starving people starve themselves even more just to feed themselves after it's all over - sounds like something some power- and attention-hungry Republican Congressional hopeful would go on record as saying, doesn't it? Just the fallout from all the controversy would make this political contender an instant celebrity, an instant household name, and an election-day shoe-in, especially in a bleeding red state like Texas! Haven't the likes of Mitch McConnell, Mike Huckabee, Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin come up with similar batshit-crazy and dangerous proposals?

Meantime, Corey Knowlton could hedge in on this thing and get back some of that black rhino-killing auction fee he spent to have a chance to pull the trigger on this African hunt, which was estimated to have netted about $1 million overall (from all bidders). Yes, this Texas millionaire and oil-fortune heir can sleep well at night knowing that a dozen or so once-starving homeless people in Dallas are now enjoying the seafood buffet every day. Let's just forget that an unfortunate 461 (or was it 561?) died on their month-long fast in their quest to accomplish the worthy goal.

Or how's about this weirded-out scenario: Having a Big Oil company totally pollute a large body of water - say like one of the Great lakes - to prove that oil contamination kills wildlife. And while all the birds, mammals, fish, even insects, get sick and die, there would be a big promotional campaign spearheaded to bolster the fact that oil spills are just no good and they kill wild animals. If a few human beings end up as casualties to this mess, it's all well and good for the overall cause, now isn't it? It'd be like adding a fuel-booster shot to a full tank of cheap gas. Hip, hip, hurray! Money could be made by hiking up the price of gasoline from $2.65 a gallon to $29.55 a gallon until the total cleanup of the effected body of water was complete. Who's even counting anymore?

And how's about this one: Holding a limited conventional war to prove the dangers and horrors of a full-scale world war? Money could be made by people betting on which side would win - say the guys wearing the orange shirts versus the folks wearing the pink jerseys. All the betting would be part of a federally sanctioned lottery, of course, with Autotote tickets sold, like the ones they use at horse- and dog-racing facilities. Daily bets could be wagered on an army taking a hill, valley, or river bend. Which will win, the orange shirts or pink shirts? Micro-bets could be made on favorite war heroes and if they'll survive a battle or skirmish, and if so, how many of their adversaries will they maim? How many will they kill? Exactas - even perfectas and superfectas - could be contrived around this sort of stuff. Both opposing armies would be equipped with all the latest high-tech military weapons and all the major TV stations, along with sundry cable affiliates, would certainly cover such a spectacular in full force. Tee-shirt companies would be able to capitalize on selling the orange and red tee-shirts to fans of the two armies. Everyone in the world would have a favorite team, right? If the war lasted for months, maybe even years, just think of all the big bucks that could be made? All the dead bodies would be proof positive that yes, shooting highly advanced military weapons at each other can indeed kill. Sound familiar?

And the fact that Corey Knowlton has complained on his Facebook page and on a TV station about getting death threats after he got this license to kill an endangered rhino is yet another example of such ridiculousness of destroying someone to save something. Mr. Knowlton has been lambasted enough with all the negative media reports surrounding this fiasco. He's learned his lesson, I think, and should just be left alone to think about what he did.

"They're wanting to kill me," he said to KTVT. "They're wanting to kill my children. They're wanting to skin us alive." - Very sad. I'm appalled by such reaction to it all. I was young and stupid once, too, and did some things that were really deplorable. But I never killed an endangered black rhino. Now that I'm older and perhaps, a little wiser, that's something I'm keeping off my bucket list. So I'll just scream at Corey Knowlton yet again: Shame on you, Corey Knowlton, shame, shame, shame! Have a nice life! - And I'll just let it go at that.

No, no, no. None of these ridiculous situations will work simply because of the first law of nature - that destroying something to save something is a ridiculous concept that is based on evil.

This rhino auction and hunt is just a sign of the times of how heartless and unfair society has become. Greed. Greed. Greed. It's what runs things these days. God, Guns, and Grit: It's what's made America great and it's what's made us hated by most of the rest of the world.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
105 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more