Senator Bernie's question rebounds from NSA to GCHQ and back to White House

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Sunday, 5 January 2014

image for Senator Bernie's question rebounds from NSA to GCHQ and back to White House
This elephant in the room will remain classified

Senator Sanders' query to the NSA on whether he and his congressional colleagues are being spied on has led to several unfortunate consequences.

A "seed" and "hop" investigation on Mr. Sanders was immediately instigated due to an "articulable suspicion" his question was not simply mischief, but designed somehow to embarrass the NSA program further.

According to General Alexander's office, the investigation spread quickly to the UK, wherein the GCHQ was called into service as to possible traveling abroad by Mr. Sanders or anyone with the name Sanders.

A person named Temeritus Sanders (no relation to Bernard) was then apprehended at Heathrow with a laptop containing photographs of a parade in New Delhi.

This Mr. Sanders was immediately placed in handcuffs and admitted to an interrogation room where he was not allowed to use restroom facilities for a period of nine hours.

GCHQ personnel were henceforth dispatched to offices of The Guardian news service in search of any copies of the New Delhi parade photographs, with instructions to destroy all Guardian hard drives housing these images.

Guards around the Ecuador Embassy in London where Julian Assange was observed peering through a window were doubled.

Back in the US, any NSA personnel with the name "Sanders," "Sandy," or "Soundoff" were discovered and placed before the FISC under "articulable suspicion" and request to search their metadata.

Mr. Obama's private phone numbers surfaced during several of these hops leading to further scrutiny of the President's personal affairs which caused a fury of activity within The White House.

Mrs. Obama herself was observed raising and lowering blinds and peering through windows at the surrounding grounds.

Dogs in the neighborhood mysteriously began barking and would not shut up. Several hours of their noise in turn led to accounts of road-rage. Dogs were shot, leading to neighborhood lawsuits.

Comment columns in various venues carrying the Senator's request to the NSA broke all previous records in terms of volume, blue language, and revelatory positions on the metadata program related to Fourth Amendment concerns.

Mr. Obama rose at three a.m. with (according to a press spokesperson) a headache "fit to bring all executive functions to a screaming halt."

Meanwhile, General Alexander and various former directors of the NSA were asked to comment and replied thusly:

"This metadata program is clean and antiseptic. Relax. It applies only to the terrorists. We're not doing you per se."

A long pause, during which General Hayden leaned forward and seemed about to say something. Mr. Alexander continued:

"Of course if you let out what we really are doing, that's another matter."

Another pause. Then:

"We'll leave that Snowden in the room--I mean that elephant in the room--out of this discussion. Thank you and have a good day."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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