It's Official: Canada Most Boring Country in the Anglosphere

Funny story written by Olive Pepper

Friday, 27 December 2013


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for It's Official: Canada Most Boring Country in the Anglosphere
Be in awe of my edginess

Researchers at Oxford University have bestowed upon Canada the dubious distinction of being the most boring of the six countries that comprise what's known as the Anglosphere: Australia, Canada, England, Ireland, New Zealand, and the United States.

"We think it's important that this matter be settled once and for all," says lead researcher Nigel Clappe, lecturer in political science and demographics at Oxford University. "Up until this point, people have been identifying the most boring country based on nothing more than their own gut feeling, and that wasn't helping anybody."

To achieve its findings, the researchers measured the inverse relationship of the six countries with what the researchers call "markers for excitement." The country with the lowest mean score on the six markers is deemed to be the most boring.

The six markers are 1) ex-felons in the national legislature, 2) prevalence and variety of sex scandals, 3) the percentage of the population that has auditioned for a reality T.V. show, 4) the likelihood of fights at major sporting events, 5) the unhealthiness of the cuisine, and 6) the number of smoking-hot women.

"In Canada, we're proud to be first in many important areas, including the quality of our schools, the level of innovation of our world-class companies, and, not least, the spirit of the Canadian people," says Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper in a statement. "If we're also the most boring country in the Anglosphere, then that's another distinction we accept proudly."

Clappe says Canada wasn't a shoe-in for the recognition, because in the last several months the country uncharacteristically has been on the cutting edge of excitement, thanks in large part to the antics of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. "With his drunken stupors, the crack cocaine incident, and his boorish and loutish behavior, he almost single-handedly threatened to knock his country out of contention," said Clappe. "But the country has such a deep well of boringness that even his craziness wasn't enough to change the numbers."

Identifying the least boring country was also a challenge, with England and the United States competing fiercely for the title. England scored higher than any other country by far on fights at major sporting events and it also excelled at the unhealthiness of its cuisine, but the United States was too far ahead on the ex-felons in Congress, the sex scandals, and the people queuing up to be in reality shows.

"As big and bold of an effort that England made, it just wasn't enough to dent the level of idiocy in the United States, a country of Rob Fords, you might say," said Clappe.

Australia was also quite competitive with England and the United States for excitement, but mainly because it has such a large number of smoking-hot women. "It's just hard to be boring when everywhere you look there are awesome women who aren't afraid to show what they got," said Clappe.

New Zealand was never a contender for most boring because it's main national government building looks like a beehive, and it's simply impossible for boring people to design something like that, let alone govern from within the walls of such a building. "Plus, former prime minister Helen Clark was quite the outspoken rabble-rouser."

And Ireland, with its leprechauns, housing bubble and bust, and its people's capacity for drinking, also could never be considered boring.

Clappe says he doesn't see the need to return to this research any time soon, because it's unlikely the dynamics of the countries are going to change much in the next several years. So, Canada could be stuck with the "most boring" distinction for quite some time. "In any case," says Clappe, "I'll be preoccupied with my new research in Australia, which aims to measure the level of smoking-hotness of Australian women."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more