Written by Teddy Silver

Thursday, 30 May 2013

image for Don't cry for me Argentina, says Falklands
"We're never getting back together Argentina!"

The Falklands has filed for an injunction after receiving numerous drunk-texts and inappropriate phone calls from Argentina, it has emerged.

The Falkland Islands last night confirmed it sent a letter to the UN filing for a restraining order on Argentina after being repeatedly harassed by the South American country in the form of drunk-texts, inappropriate voicemails and baked desserts containing Argentina's pubic hair.

"Basically Argentina is being a massive dick," said the Falklands.

"I moved in next door a while back and we were on speaking terms after I borrowed his lawn mower and some semi-skimmed milk. It was obvious he liked me and although I never reciprocated one night after a particularly poor summer harvest, I felt extremely venerable and following the consumption of my own coastline in tequila I went over there and rode him like a Shetland pony."

"It's not something I'm proud of, it wasn't an enjoyable experience and although I never wanted to hurt Argentina's feelings it was a huge mistake. But ever since he's has been acting like he thought we were going to get fucking married or something. He keeps turning up with baskets full of fruit muttering idle threats about invasion."

"It's pretty awkward because I was shagging Britain, France and Spain around the same sort of time, but deep down I always wanted to be with Britain, we've been together a while now and I'm really happy. We're even talking about getting a cat."

"That's why this thing with Argentina needs to stop; last week he sent me a drunk-message at four in the morning saying he admired both the scale of my penguin population and the consistently pleasant temperature of my annual climate. Then he asked me to send him a picture of my tits..."

"I also had four hours worth of voicemail messages consisting of him crying down the phone, masturbating in the shower and what sounded like him repeatedly writing 'Argentina hearts the Falklands 4 eva' on the napkin I used to wipe away his tears after he climaxed."

"I'm done trying to be subtle out of respect for Argentina's feelings, last week I had that catchy Taylor Swift song about not getting back together on really loudly for about six hours straight, but he still didn't take the hint."

"So let me make things clear. Argentina, I've never liked you and all that shit I told you about your tiny penis not being a big deal. Total bullshit, you couldn't even find that thing in a cocktail sausage raffle and no, lasting fourteen seconds isn't common, regardless of how many raspberries you've eaten."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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