In a shock announcement by the Vatican today, it has been confirmed that Simon Cowell, the mastermind behind popular talent shows such as "Britain's Got Morons" and "£X-Factor" is being drafted in to bring some life to the process for choosing a new leader of the Catholic faith.
Instead of locking away a shed-load of elderly cardinals and waiting until one of them dies and is cremated to issue white smoke, a more popeulist (sic) format - "Pope Idol" - will be introduced, where candidates will take part in a cardinal talent show.
Each cardinal will perform a number of tasks - singing, cooking, knitting, chasing a choirboy and more, and the public will then vote, using premium rate telephone numbers of course, for their favourite.
The two finalists will fight it out in a boxing ring.
Cardinal Fang of Monty Python fame said it was an altogether better way of reaching the masses, because unfortunately, the masses have essentially, er, stopped going to masses.
The finalist not only wins the position of pope, but also a two week holiday in Las Vegas.
