Vatican Elects Gay Pope

Funny story written by Brett Taylor

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

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Oh lordy-loo!

The Vatican has officially appointed its first openly gay Pope, at least in this century.

The rumor was confirmed today at noon when pink incense smoke was seen stylishly smoldering from the Vatican. The Vatican News put out an official announcement on their website soon after. The new pope, whose given name is Tod Antonio Aiken, will taken on the new name Pope Sasha Fierce VI.

Renowned film critic Rex Reed voiced his approval of the new pope. "If you ask me, the papacy could use a little style. Look at the pope, he wears all white, no matter what time of year it is. Uggh! And the last pope, hideous! The man was a hippo! Disgusting! How'd he ever squeeze all that blubber into his outfit? And those big dark circles under his eyes! Who'd ever want to kiss that ring? Not me!"

Famed fashion critic Richard Blackwell expressed a less enthusiastic opinion. "A gay pope? Big deal. Don't try and tell me he's the first. I've been hanging out in the New York bar scene for years, and, honey, I've met plenty of Popes. Bishops, cardinals, too. I've met all of them.

"They're all pretty comfortable with it too. They don't have any wives to hide it from, unlike some other men I know. I've not expecting any big fashion improvements from this pontiff. They've been wearing that same white dress for centuries now. I've been saying for years they could really boost their popularity with a little effort.

"A lot of men could improve their looks with a simple floral pattern, or a tasteful scarf. No wonder everyone thinks they're stodgy and boring. Pope Benedict XVI, no style at all, totally boring."

Blackwell picked Pope Julius III as the most stylish Pope, citing his elaborate home d├ęcor and general devotion to style. This is a rather controversial choice, as other fashion experts consider Julius III to have possessed a gaudy, showy sensibility. Still, his name became surprisingly hip again in the nineties, when, in the song "Big Money An All That," rapper Puff Daddy name checked the flamboyant church leader as "The pope with the most bling, y'all/Struttin' down that Vatican Hall," to which Biggie Smalls famous added, "Uh huh, uh huh."

Polls show the new leader is especially popular with women and antique dealers. One such woman is Nana Fitstein of Garden City, NJ, who says of the new pope, "He's absolutely adorable. Like a little teddy bear you'd love to dress up. He reminds me of my Albert. My son, he's such a nice boy. I can't understand why he hasn't settled down with some nice girl."

Pope Sasha is not expected to make gay rights a major part of his agenda, so as to avoid controversy. The Vatican is desperate to avoid controversy in light of recent scandals, and the new pope is predicted to be a popular choice because of his likeable nature, good taste, and friendly social skills. He is especially noted for his efforts to improve relations with Muslims, and has already encouraged many Middle Easterners to adopt a more "Sufi" dress style. He will move into the papal mansion next week, along with Jason Frachetta, a trusted adviser from New York's Greenwich Village area.

The new pope is expected to sashay through the streets of Rome next week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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