Coronal Mass Ejection Causes Blackouts, Conversation, Sex, and Other Forms of Coronal Mass Ejection

Written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 8 March 2012


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"Almost there, a little bit more, YES, YES, YES"

A funny thing happened on the way to our 2012 world ending solar storm, local blackouts and satellite and cellular service interruption has forced people to actually speak to each other face to face, learn to help out a neighbor running short on candles, and experiment with other forms of interesting activity in the dark.

While doomsday believers were all nestled snugly in their bunkers, the rest of the world surprisingly took to their homes to work through the minor inconvenience of a communication and power outage. "Instead of texting my girlfriend who lives a couple of blocks away, I like, actually had to walk over there", says Myron Fleebster, a student at Cornell University in New York. "Then, I had to look at her face, make eye contact and have a regular conversation without tweets, texts, posts, calls, games or videos getting in the way".

Fleebster admits to waiting an entire ten minutes before the clothes came off. "I can still find all the pieces on the game board in the dark by the way, and I'm not talking Monopoly".

With pharmacies unable to stay open or sell things like condoms, other side effects from the blackout of 2012 are expected in early December. "We're already looking to staff up the maternity wing at our hospital", says licensed neonatal nurse, Carlotta Trunck. "My first child came 9 months after that 2003 U.S. power grid outage. All the meat in my freezer went bad, but there was already enough sausage cooking in my house that weekend". Trunck finished her sentence with a grin and a slight chuckle. "Now that, was a good weekend".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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