Subway's Jared Discourages Dieters

Funny story written by MJ Pulse

Friday, 23 December 2005


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Woodland, IOWA- John Marshall, an overweight machinist in Woodland, Iowa is just one of thousands of would be dieters who are discouraged by ‘Jared', former chubster turned spokesman for the national sandwich chain ‘Subway'. Jared was propelled to national stardom as the man who lost 245 pounds a few years ago by eating Subway sandwiches and almost nothing else. The sandwich chain has used him ever since to sell their sandwiches as a healthy alternative to other fast food restaurants.

So, why is John Marshall and thousands of other overweight people discouraged by Jared? Loss of fantasy.

"I used to feel pretty good about myself and not worry so much about all the extra weight I carry around. I would tell myself that if I just lost a few pounds, I'd be a pretty handsome guy" Marshall explains "But after seeing Jared on TV so much, I realized there might be just another homely, unattractive guy under all this fat, there goes that hope!".

As it turns out, John isn't alone in his discouragement. "Apparently there are thousands, if not millions of obese people in America who maintain their self-esteem by fantasizing that some day they'll go on a miracle diet, lose a lot of weight, and suddenly become irresistible to members of the opposite sex" says Dr. Arlo Henry, a weight loss physician in Sarasota, FL. "Whether a person ever actually begins a diet or not, isn't the issue here. Merely holding on to the hope that someday, even in the way off distant future, that they might lose weight and become attractive, it's enough for them to feel good about themselves each day. Unfortunately, Jared Fogle has caused that dream to come crashing down for many".

Denise Lattimore of Irvin Texas said, "Now I'm afraid of what I might look like as a thinner person" adding that she has canceled her gym membership and reverted back to her normal 8-10 meals per week at MacDonald's. "I used to see all these before and after photos of people, you know, in all those weight loss commercials. The women in bikinis, the men showing their muscles, I thought everyone who lost weight naturally became beautiful! Then Jared comes along and gives us a taste of reality"

According to a recent government study, the image of Jared Fogle has done more to hurt the weight loss industry than any other single factor. "We haven't seen anything like this since Krispy Kreme spread across the country" says a government researcher who worked on the study by didn't want their name released. The U.S. Commerce Department reports a sharp increase in weight loss related companies closing their doors and going out of businesses since Jared first appeared in commercials. Jared is even blamed for the decline in popularity for the Atkins diet, the South beach diet, and gastro-bypass surgery.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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