President George W. Bush has decided to bring back the military draft in the United States due to declining numbers of enlistments. The draft disappeared shortly after the end of the Vietnam War and there has been strong opposition in the country to its return.
General Ralph Tanker of the Pentagon issued the following statement in regards to the new policies: "We have had young men register with selective service in case we needed a draft for over twenty five years. That time has come today."
"For our first draft, we will select five times the names that we actually need. When these young men report to their local recruiters office, we will dismiss the gays, the gay looking, anyone of average or higher intellignence, anyone with rich or influential parents, anyone currently enrolled in a college or university, the physically or mentally handicapped or disabled, and anyone we don't really want in our army. The white trash and minorities that survive this culling process will be immediately called up, receive basic training, and shipped to Iraq. There, they will stand guard in front of the tanks and keep them from getting scratched by stray bullets."
The President, of course, had a slighly different view of the draft. "I get to pick first and I want Shaq. He's big and strong and can probably hit lots of little ragheads. Then, with my second pick in the draft, I'll take Peyton Manning. Can you imagine how far he'll throw a hand gernade? Also, if I take him out of the mix, the Dallas Cowboys will have a better chance of winning the Super Bowl. Then, from baseball, I'll draft all of the All-Star team members that don't play for the Texas Rangers, especially A-Rod because he was a bust with my team. After that, we'll go with a bunch of boxers. I'm gonna draft Muhammed Ali again and this time he'd better serve his country. We want to use these bruisers to pound on those little shi'ites in Iraq."
When told that the military draft was not like a sports draft and that only the younger men would be available, Bush said that he would have to think about that and get back to us.
