IN AN MOVING emergency address to the nation, President George W Bush last night dropped a bombshell on his fellow Americans when he delivered the news that he has purchased cartoon superstar Popeye's arms to aid against the war on global terror.
"I is here ta tells ya today, that no-one will mess wit' me now," grunted Bush jovially, which he followed with a hearty laugh," ag-ag-ag-ag-ag!"
"These here terrorisks is making a mockery of the American waysk of life," he continued.
"And so usin' me Laura's Ceredit card, I poychased dese extremitees in da hope of getting' Al Quedska on da run."
And Bush also looks set to unleash further weapons on "dose guys wot 'treatens to ruin our peace".
A new substance developed by top US boffins will be added to the anti-terror arsenal.
Some 25 minutes into the address, Bush became visibly tired and appeared almost unable to finish his speech, but the problem was quickly remedied using the new weapon.
Struggling to even hold his head up, the President reached into his shirt to get what was described as "me faithful ol' germetically moderfied spinach," slamming the can on the desk, and squeezing it with an abrupt force. TV viewers across the nation were astounded as the contents of the can spouted in an arcing jet four-feet into the air and landed between the presidential gums, which prompted an immediate reaction within the oil-magnate's body.
With increasing vigour and vitality, Mr Bush's chair was thrown against the wall as he rose from the table, floating some three-feet above the ground, as his chest swelled up like a hairy balloon with a battleship tattooed on it, and smoke shot out from each and every bodily orrafice, accompanied by a low-pitched whistling.
After a short period during which the image of an Anvil appeared on his right bicep, the 57-year old President spun his fist like a propeller, before using it to repeatedly smash a crude handrawn picture of Osama Bin Laden.
Secret Service members dragged Mr Bush off set during the outburst, but after a short tussle the President managed to fight his way back into shot, in just enough time to sing:
"Small countries are foiled, when I needs me Oil. I'm Georgie the dic-ta-tor."
American Viewers were returned to their scheduled programming of the hit reality show; Horny Sadists, Desperate Hookers.
