Anti-Gay Protesters Throw Aqua Velva at Gay Politicians

Funny story written by Lorenzo Dunning

Monday, 20 June 2011

image for Anti-Gay Protesters Throw Aqua Velva at Gay Politicians
Conservative activist Larry Butane

An anti-gay activist hurled the contents of a plastic cup at an openly gay city council member after he delivered a speech at the LGBT Empowerment Conference in Gooseberry, Kentucky.

In a statement he posted on the social network Ego Realm, college student Larry Butane explained that he poured Aqua Velva into the cup so that he could more easily splash the after shave on Councilman Roland Anarst.

"We need to take a stand against people who threaten the sanctity of marriage," Butane's post read. "Marriage is between one man and one woman. We can't redefine marriage by letting a man marry another man, by letting a woman marry another woman, or by letting a person marry an animal or a garden vegetable."

The Aqua Velva attack against Councilman Anarst was the second of its kind to take place in Gooseberry. Last week, Hans Welvington of the White Heterosexual Male Anti-Defamation League dropped a condom filled with Aqua Velva from a fifth-story window, hitting state representative Lester Clanders.

In an interview with the Gooseberry Gazette, Welvington sai:

"Homosexuals have tried to feminize pro-family conservatives like Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann by throwing glitter at them. They even glittered Newt Gingrich, who happens to be one of the biggest supporters of traditional marriage, having been in three traditional marriages of his own. If they're allowed to throw glitter, we should be allowed to un-gay homosexual men with Aqua Velva.

"They're always wearing that sissy designer cologne. Gay bathhouses reek of it...uh...or so I've been told. Maybe the masculine scent of Aqua Velva will appeal to them and convince them to change their minds about being gay."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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