What's In My Urine Is Between Me And My Porcelain God

Funny story written by Josh Gillam

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

A lot of people are upset over the recently passed law in Florida to drug test welfare recipients. The law requires applicants for welfare to pass a drug screening before they can start receiving benefits. The law caused an uproar amongst ACLU members and hippies alike. Concerns brought up by the ACLU were that the law is unconstitutional and an invasion of privacy.

"This law is forcing people on welfare to take a drug test," screeched one ACLU member.

Supporters have been voicing their opinions as well.

"If you're getting free money from the Government, then they have a right to set the guidelines."

Those who oppose the law are going through the process to challenge it in court.

"Urine is a very private matter," says an ACLU spokesperson. "The amount of privacy contained in human urine is very high, and to demand that it be tested is unconstitutional."

Another complaint brought up about the controversial law was the added amount of time it would take in the process of applying for welfare.

"These people shouldn't have to wait in a line for a urinalysis. This just adds one more step to the process."

Supporters defended the law against this, stating, "Time isn't a big issue, it's not like these people have jobs to go to."

Members of the ACLU have also been vocal about this law leading down a bad path. They claim that with this law passing, it won't be long before many more restrictions are placed on welfare. This has been raising a lot of concerns that with higher restrictions on welfare, citizens might actually go out and get jobs.

The most vocal of those that oppose the new law are the drug users on welfare. One such individual had this to say;

"This is total discrimination! They're trying to tell me that I can't do drugs and be on welfare. What's next, am I going to have to get a job and start paying taxes?"

In the wake of all the controversy surrounding this law, some people have been petitioning for the Urine Privacy Act to be passed. This would make all matters concerning urine completely private. It would make all urine testing illegal, separate public toilets and urinals by at least 10 feet, and outlaw golden showers.

With the growing support of the Urine Privacy Act, many employers have been changing their drug testing policies.

"We did away with our drug testing policy two weeks ago," said one store owner. "Since then a lot of our employees seem happier, but they move at a much slower pace."

Drug dealers have reported record sales since the Urine Privacy Act was first proposed. When asked if they thought this increase in sales was due to the possible banning of urine testing, they had this to say;

"Are you a cop?"

An ACLU spokesman said that they were very pleased with the support surrounding the Urine Privacy Act and hope that it will pass.

"We won't rest until we live in a urine-free, drug-filled America."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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