Amish Man Kills Wife, Self

Funny story written by Asheville Jack

Tuesday, 31 May 2011


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Bristol PA - A local Amish man attacked his wife during dinner yesterday, killing her in their home on Sundance Road. Police say the body of thirty-eight year old Elizabeth Morgan, wife of Joshua Morgan, was found by neighbors in a walk-in pantry covered with new potatoes, rhubarb and delicious looking summer squash.

No motive was given for the attack, although neighbor Samuel Smith told police that Mr. Morgan had attacked his wife the previous week after serving his dinner cold. "Beef stew, I think he said it was. She wasn't a good cook. Still, that's probably not a good reason enough to kill your wife."

Avery County Homicide Detective Cornelius Avery said that Mrs. Morgan was struck numerous times in the head with a 12oz soft grip fiberglass handle ball pein hammer, after which it appeared Mr. Morgan turned the small hammer on himself, striking himself dozens of times in the head and the chest area before falling over dead on the cedar front porch love seat.

Police theorize the deaths were the result of a slow motion murder suicide.

Neighbor Joshua Tanner found the deceased. "I was out walking after dinner. It was such a beautiful evening for a walk too. Fortunately my wife serves my dinner hot so I haven't had a reason to attack her myself," he said, adding that discovering the dead bodies and waiting till the police to arrive ruined his walk. Mr. Tanner noted that because Amish people don't have phones he had to wait until neighbor Sam Smith to walk by before he could leave to contact the police, who arrived as soon as they could the following morning.

Local drug Store owner Josephus Malt, brother of the deceased Mrs. Morgan, had to be consoled with a soothing glass of cool goat milk after discovering that he had sold the ball pein hammer that killed his sister. Later he would confess that his sister never was a very good cook.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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