Man Sues Doomsday Prophet Harold Camping: "I would not have committed all those Crimes if I knew he would be wrong"

Written by mikewadestr

Monday, 23 May 2011

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A man, who is being held in a city jail in Denver, Colorado for committing 28 felonies and 32 misdemeanors in a two day spree, is suing Doomsday Prophet Harold Camping for "really fucking me over".

Jerry BrainDead committed the crimes during the two days of May 19 and May 20.

Of the crimes committed were three counts of armed robbery of a bank, five counts of rape, six counts of murder and two counts of yelling at a frog.

Needless to say, Jerry BrainDead has been denied bail.

"This Camping's dude really fucked me up", said an exasperated BrainDead over the jail phone. "Honestly, do you think that I would have committed all those crimes if I knew that the world wouldn't end on May 21. Hell no!"

"Man, what really sucks about this is that I lost my job because I sent an e-mail to my boss telling him that he had bad breath and smelled like a Camel Jockey. Geez, now I'm never going to get my job back".

"You know, when I heard about the prediction, I just said to myself: 'hell this is a good time to do all those wonderful things in life that I always wanted to do'. I mean, we were all going to be dead, so what the hell!"

"Let me tell you this ", started BrainDead with a laugh. "You should have seen the look on all those peoples' faces when I plowed down Route 70 going the wrong way in a tractor trailer that I stole. It was priceless!"

"It's going to be a while before they get that guard rail all fixed up again".

When asked if he had any remorse for any or all of his victims BrainDead replied:

"Why should I? I mean, they were going to be dead anyway, I was just giving them a head start. Hell, I'm sure we all would have gotten together after we were dead and have a good laugh about it".

It appears that BrainDead has some leverage on his side. His lawyer Mr. Meisterfibber has claimed that he is working on a plea bargain to have all the charges dropped as long as BrainDead agrees to plead guilty to the two counts of yelling at a frog.

Many court experts who have been interviewed believe that Meisterfibber's plea bargain will work.

"Yelling at a frog is a pretty serious crime in the state of Colorado", said Yale law Professor Sandra Easy. "It appears to be a good defense move. BrainDead should get maybe a twenty year sentence. With good behavior, he should be out in about six months".

When asked what he was expecting to get out of the case, BrainDead replied: "I want him to make another prediction that will come true. I want him to make it so that it happens real soon".

"Man, this big guy named bubba keeps staring at my butt and sticking his tongue out at me".

"It's really freaking the shit out of me!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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