Paris Hilton Wants to Experience Oregon Bulge

Funny story written by wadenelson

Sunday, 11 September 2005


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Bend OR -- Because the Hilton Hotel chain, with franchises is Paris, New York, and L.A. "practically demands" its franchisees stay on top of their competition, it has petitioned the US Geological Survey to construct an architecturally unique hotel, unlike the one currently in Paris, on the site of a mystery bulge outside Bend Oregon. "A soggy wet spot, like New Orleans, isn't very appealing to slutty hotel guests" said heiress Paris. But climbing into bed with a massive, rock-hard bulge filled with red-hot lava just waiting to erupt just beneath you, well, what else could an heiress dream of?

Choosing new, ahem, "business" partners and exotic locations for, ahh, "hotels" is what gets Paris Hilton really hot, according to financier and hotelier Donald Trump. Hilton, whose escapades reportedly include starring in multiple naughty videos, not just the store-released "One Night in Paris" has begun telling interviewers that former boyfriends repeatedly say, "You're like, soo, not sexual, even though Paris has made Madonna look shy when it comes to the marketing of her provocative image. "And Madonna wrote the book!" exclaims Paris, who recently learned to form complete sentences.

The "architecturally unique" hotel planned for the site of the Oregan lava dome is, according to the unique architect, "an extension of the designs used in San Francisco to withstand earthquakes. Like the hotel in Paris, this Hilton will be able to ride out Mother natures most violent thrusting, and heaving. The girders may creak and moan a little bit, and we may see some rhythmic bouncing of the breasts works, but guests crying out "Oh God, Oh God!" is about the worst thing that can happen. The building is built to accomodate a Force 5 eruption."

"Feeling the earth move" is what a great night's stay in a hotel is all about, according to Paris Hilton. Scientists studying the rock-hard swelling. The result of an unprotected eruption could could be anything from the birth of a new volcano to something rock hard turning soft and saggy, say scientists.

But the bulge is still growing, perhaps because scientists left a copy of Vanity Fair face down at the site. The issue contains six "remarkably slutty" images of Paris, according to viewers who bought it "strictly for the articles."

Oregon has four of the 18 most active volcanoes in the nation - Mount Hood, Crater Lake, Newberry and South Sister. According to Hilton, the bulge gets an extensive annual survey to track its growth. Scientists from the Hilton chain utilizing a computer-based peter-meter, the eventual size of the bulge may rival Mount Saint Helens, which blew its wad several years ago.

The results of the late August survey won't be ready for weeks, but scientists have reached some conclusions about the bulge from past monitoring.

A swarm of 350 small earthquakes in March 2004 indicated the bulge was coming to a climax, but normal volcanic "breathing" resumed and for now, the upward thrust of the bulge is all that is apparent.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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