Primitive Preacher Says "Good Riddance" to New Orleans Victims

Funny story written by Lynn L'Engle

Saturday, 3 September 2005

God has taken his wrath out on Sin City and Las Vegas is next," said Brother Cletus Crapout of the Mountain Plains Valley Creek Community Church in Emmett, Alabama. Rev. Crapout delivered his prediction to the 15,000 present at each of the three services held Sunday morning. "You can't disobey God for long and get away with it. I say good riddance to bad rubbish."

Crapout's sermon series for the month of September, entitled, "When Bad Things Happen To Bad People," is expected to attract not only the usual 30,000 the church usually accommodates each Sunday, but also five to ten thousand new "seekers," or possible converts.

As for Rev. Crapout's eternal prediction for the Crescent City, he says he only had to look to the "Good Book" for it.

"Sodom and Gomorrah. It's there in Evocus, uh, Levitironomy. Yeah, Levitironomy chapter 86 verses 17- 94. Jacob sells his brothers into slavery and they start the town of Sodom, and we know what they were doing there. Then they got together with the town called Gomorrah, for which a venereal disease is now named, went into the perversion business, and started turning women into salt pillars right and left. Same thing happening in New Orleans, only not so much with the salt pillars. I think maybe there were a few on that big church in Jackson Square, yeah. The columns of that church are made out of women. They turned all the women into pillars so they could all be gay and not worry about the women."

Speaking to the 20,000 gathered in the social room of MPVCCC for their weekly Bible Study and Potluck Supper this past Wednesday, Rev.Crapout addressed his congregation while polishing off his second rack of barbequed ribs.

"Those starving people left in the Superdome - why are they rescuing them? They live in sin. They chose their lives in that city. They chose to be stuck there. They chose to be poor."

One eight year old held up his hand during an informal question and answer period after the talk.

"But Brother Crapout," said Devin Speigner, "What about the kids? They didn't choose where to be born. And what about their parents who were born there and stayed poor?"

"The kids are innocent, but not the parents."

Master Speigner persisted, "So someone's OK with God until they become a parent?"

"Only kids are innocent in New Orleans, son. Now back to my point."

The boy continued, "But I have a brother who is 13. If we lived in New Orleans, would he be innocent? And what about my 17-year-old sister who turns eighteen on Tuesday? Is she OK until midnight Monday night?"

Speigner's father shushed him and apologized to The Reverend. "I'm sorry, sir, he's been put in Special Ed at school for being aggressively intellectually curious. We've got him on a strict discipline regimen but it doesn't seem to have started working yet."

Brother Crapout said, "Thank you, Brother Speigner, I accept your apology, and we'll keep our prayers up that your boy's spirit will ultimately be broken. Unborn babies of the world, I beseech you not to be born in any of the cities on our list of Cities In Sin. You can find the list on a section of our website called www.mpvccc/"

Asked how and when Las Vegas would succumb to the wrath of God, Brother Crapout said, "I haven't received specifics, but God said in Ephraim Chapter 2 Verse 6 that it won't be a flood but a fire next time, so if you plan to watch, make sure you wear a HASMAT suit and some goggles." The crowd chuckled.

"I assure you this congregation will be the second group of people I tell. First, of course, will be the nation's only truly reliable news source, The Weekly World News. Speaking of which, did some of you take your kids to see ‘March of the Penguins' thinking it was a wholesome show for the family? Well, The News has found out that penguins actually engage in drinking martinis and carousing in hot tubs with multiple members of the opposite gender. How's that for a Disney-type conspiracy? Trying to get us to think penguins are cuddly, cute, and morally upright when they might as well be living in Las Vegas."

Suddenly, Brother Crapout's eyes began to roll to the back of his head. "Call the Weekly World News; I'm having a vision of the destruction of Las Vegas," he said. Then he passed out. Efforts to call 911 were discouraged by church board members, who said this usually preceded his visions and he'd come out of it in a minute. Six hours later, Rev. Crapout was pronounced dead of a massive stroke. He was 32.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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