Bush Promises "Surprise Executions" in Second Term

Funny story written by Andy Lam

Wednesday, 15 September 2004

Las Vegas, NV - During his address to the National Guard Association of the United States, President Bush assured group that his second term would feature "many, many" executions. Wearing his trademark smirk, the President nodded and winked to the group repeatedly as he made these statements.

"I can't tell you exactly who's going to get ‘it'," said the President, "but you can bet they are going to be some big names - you can just bank on that my friends. When I say big names, I mean really big - Bruce Willis big - not that I am planning to have him executed - I love Die Hard and I'll bet you do too. I just wanted to give you an example of the kind of big I'm thinking of.

"Maybe Brittany big - boy, wouldn't that be something - to see Brittany Spears hanging from the St. Louis Arch," the President continued, almost dreamily. "That's the kind of thing I find myself imagining all the time. Of course, in my dreams, I have an old WWI airplane and I swoop under the Arch and rescue her at the last minute. Needless to say, she becomes my concubine - since I saved her life and all.

"Now Laura isn't that thrilled with this plan, so I'd covert to any religion that lets me have more than one wife. That would sure be great. As President, I could make a new law that set me up with a wife in every state - 46 hotties to do my bidding. I'll tell you what - if I saw some chick I wanted to marry and her husband said ‘no' - bam! He's executed - courtesy of Uncle Sam.

As the President lost himself in this reverie, the assembled National Guardsmen were becoming increasingly restive. "I might even take care of some of the ‘loose ends' in my administration," the President smiled as he seemed to be coughing "Colin Powell".

At this point, several of Mr. Bush's advisors rushed the stage and pushed the President to the floor while Secret Service Agents sealed the doors. After a brief scuffle on the floor of the stage, during which a syringe was spotted by several members of the audience, a much subdued President returned to the podium.

"In closing," the President said, "it is critical that the president of the United States speak clearly and consistently at this time of great threat in our world, and not change positions because of expediency or pressure." Mr. Bush then slumped into a nearby chair before being assisted off the stage by staffers.

Karl Rove, traveling with the President, briefly addressed the National Guard and the media, admonishing them to forget what they had just seen and to never mention the nature of the President's comments to anyone. "If you do," said Mr. Rove, "you may be executed."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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