CU Adds Ethanol Studies

Funny story written by wadenelson

Tuesday, 23 August 2005

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Boulder -- Not being named "One of the Top Ten Party Schools" by the Princeton Review has led the regents of the University of Colorado to make startling changes. Starting this fall, Ethanol Studies will be added to the CU curriculum. Students who don't drink "Need Not Apply" said Dean Chugah Bier. "This is a sober first step" towards educating students about the realities of alcohol.

The Princeton Review determines the top party school in the nation by measuring alcohol consumption, time required for studying, availability of on-campus pubs, prices of "popularly priced 12-packs like Keystone," the local drinking age, and number of alcohol-related deaths in the prior semester. The review dropped CU from the top 10 in it's latest survey.

H&L Coors, also located in Boulder, is reportedly funding more than a dozen scholarships, faculty positions, AND constructing a new student pub for the Ethanol Studies program.

"People think we're joking" said Bier. "To truly understand alcohol and its effects both on individuals and society, students will have to take organic chemistry, biology classes on fermentation, the psychology of addiction, alcohol marketing, as well as a Pass/Fail class on recovery taught by a professor in Alcoholics Anonymous." A "drunk driving" class will teach students how truly impaired they become, as drivers, when they drink. "Of course, we'll hold in in a parking lot."

Students earning this degree will be fully prepared to go out in the world and drink socially, recreationally, or become full-fledged alcoholics.

"We've been entirely too casual teaching students how and when to use "Liquid Panty Remover," said Dean Bier. They learn, sometimes the hard way, about hangovers, and unplanned pregnancies. Nobody counsels them on the easiest foods to throw back up.

The University of Colorado has been a leader in learning for over 100 years, said Dean Bier. Changing curriculums go with changing times. Alcohol is big business in America, yet causes big social problems as well. The real question is, "Why WOULDN'T we offer a degree in it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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