Written by Don Pitts

Tuesday, 12 April 2005

Temple University basketball coach John Chaney today announced the signing of Mike Tyson to play basketball for the Owls. "Mike's a fine young lad," Chaney said, "and will lend maturity and inside strength to our young squad." The NCAA approved the application because its been so long since Tyson did anything resembling professional sports that he can be considered an amateur.

In a hastily assembled press conference, Iron Mike told reporters: "I gleefully anticipate the opportunity for educational matriculation and spiritual growth in the hallowed halls of this wonderful university."

Ok, I'm lying, he didn't really say that. Really, Tyson knocked over two reporters on his way to the front, immediately ordered three more to leave because they'd told the truth about him in the past, and grabbed the microphone and said: "Lemme tell you bozo's sumptin: I'm here and you're queer, so cut the crap I'm ready to rap! Ain't got enough money to buy a vowel, so now I'll be a Temple owl. Credit card debt is in arrears, and I'm just down to eatin' ears. So now you know my sad situation, that's why I'm gitting a edjucation! And if you need another reason: when a roundballer rapes, he don't go to prison!" Hey, if Shaq's crap sells, this might.

Chaney then expressed delight in having Tyson under the boards. "We won't be depending on Mike for scoring; he can't even do that in the ring or on a date. But we do think defensively he can control the paint better than anyone. We'll play the 4 -1 defense, hell, not even my own boys will go into the paint with him. And by gawd when I want to goon a team, this time they'll stay gooned! Let's see St. Johns play without any ears! Ok, Mike may not get any rebounds, but neither will anybody else."

The entry of Tyson into basketball caused excitement in the professional ranks, many of whom look forward to seeing him in the draft. The Pacers will scout his every game this year, looking for somebody who will really come off the bench. Kobe Bryant just hopes to hang out with him, maybe go on a few double dates.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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