Written by Juvenal Delinquent

Sunday, 16 January 2011

image for Arizona shooter cast as Uncle Fester
Loughner in make-up test for Uncle Fester

Although the criminal case against accused gunman, Jared Lee Loughner, is just beginning, one thing is for certain: he's going to prison. And if the administrators over at the infamous Supermax facility in Fremont County, Colorado have anything to say about it, he'll be doing his time with them, where sources say he's already being considered for a part in their prison production of The Addams Family musical.

Based on the popular cartoon and television series of a macabre American family, the musical, currently running on Broadway, has been rumored to be in the works for months now, and will be produced using high profile prisoners incarcerated in the Federal Bureau of Prisons system.

They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky, they're altogether ooky, The Addams Family.

Zacarias Moussaoui, the notorious 20th Hijacker, has already been cast in the lead as Gomez. Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, has agreed to grow his hair out to play Cousin Itt, the largely incomprehensible character with a reportedly high IQ. The role of Morticia, however, has been a contentious one, with both Ramzi Yousef and Richard "Shoe Bomber" Reid vying for the part, which will, of course, be done in drag. The loser gets to play Grandmama.

The production will be held at the aforementioned ADX Florence in Colorado, home to all of the aforementioned inmates, including Terry Nichols, who'll be donning a wig as Wednesday. Lesser known inmates will fill out the rest of the cast, with a surprise guest star in a cameo as Thing. Edmund "Big Ed" Kemper, the notorious 6'9" serial killer is being brought in from a facility in Vacaville, CA as an artist-in-residence to play the coveted role of manservant Lurch.

Calling the newly formed acting troupe, The Life & Death Players, the brainchild behind this theatrical experiment is the prison's warden, Lone Weary, along with his wife Harriet, a local community theater director. "This is a great opportunity for these men to forget who and where they are and instead immerse themselves in the world of make believe", mused Mrs. Weary.

Their house is a museum. When people come to see 'em, they really are a screa-um. The Addams Family.

Plans are in place to build a small, but tightly secured, auditorium off the main complex to stage the musical, with the goal of housing future productions. The costs are being covered by the Bureau of Prison's discretionary fund. "We're hoping the musical is a success, so that we can put up more plays and tour them through the entire penal system", Mr. Weary was quoted as saying. "We're known as the "Alcatraz of the Rockies", which is fine, but hopefully we can also be known as the "Broadway of Prisons" as well", he added.

Asked how they got the idea to cast the Arizona shooter in the first place, Mrs. Weary explains, "We were having such difficulty casting the role of Uncle Fester until I saw Mr. Loughner's mug shot on the news. The resemblance was remarkable, and that's when I knew we had our man." David 'Son of Sam' Berkowitz and John Lennon's killer Mark David Chapman were both previously being considered for the part. "We were worried that we might have to bring in another guest artist, and we weren't sure we had the budget for it", she continued.

As for whether or not Mr. Loughner, or any of them for that matter, can actually sing and dance remains to be seen. They say that comedy equals tragedy plus time, maybe in this case it'll prove to be true, both figuratively and literally.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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