Written by Asheville Jack

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

image for Scientist Stunned! Frostbite Caused by Newly Discovered Ice Ants
Ice Ants staging a mass attack on a nearby twinkie.

Washington - According to Col. Wilhelm Worste of the Army Cold Weather Research Station at Glacier Falls, New Mexico, tiny ice ants, which he refers to as tiny ice ants, survive in frozen tiny igloo like snow compounds and glaciers where they whittle out intricate tunnels that provide protection from the hostile elements.

Feeding on the remains of twinkies, hot dogs and other foods left by passing baby boomers trying to fulfil their bucket list of shattered dreams, the ants live year round in their frozen windowless igloos, safe from all predators, nearly invisible as their translucent bodies provide perfect camouflage against the snowy white background.

However, like blood sucking ticks pouncing on any passing unsuspecting animals for sustenance, the ice ants also prey on animals, including humans.

"We used to think that frostbite was caused by extended exposure to frigid temperatures," said Col. Worste, "but now we know that's not true. It's actually the ice ants who are doing the biting and causing the damage as they inject venom into any exposed skin, many times even burrowing down through layers of clothing, which causes that fiery stinging cold sensation we're all familiar with."

If left untreated the highly poisonous venom will destroy the tissue, eventually killing it and turning it black. Then the ice ants, like little drunken American sailors on shore leave will consume the entire body of the city, or in this case the animal, leaving nothing behind except heartache, what we call frostbite.

Additionally, the higher the altitude above sea level the much greater concentration of ice ants. This is where they thrive and NASA research suggest there may be literally trillions upon trillions of ice ants thriving above ten thousand feet in the snow and glaciers.

Spectrometer examination of satellite photos points to the hugely huge abundance of ice ants as the leading cause of the lack of oxygen at high altitude. According to preliminary findings, the ants use the oxygen to keep warm at that altitude.

Still, it is the ice ants boring tunnels in the snow and glaciers that allow the subfreezing temperatures to penetrate the ice, keeping the ice frozen for millennia. Without the ice ants doing their job, creating subfreezing air conditioning systems within the glaciers, the glaciers would most certainly melt almost overnight.

The Colonel concluded with this sentiment: "I feel I must add my voice to warn against global warming continuing on its current path unabated. If this trend continues the temperature sensitive ice ants will die off, the glaciers will melt without their subfreezing air conditioning system in place, and without the glaciers the Earth will fry like a fire ant under a magnifying glass on a sunny day, probably sometime around Christmas 2012 I would think. On the plus side, however, frostbite will no longer be a concern"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Weather, Cold, ants

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
103 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more