TSA fights back

Funny story written by Daniel Wolf

Tuesday, 4 January 2011


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It would seem that TSA is not happy with a growing list of airports and it seems like a Supreme Court battle may be in the offering.

According to sources in the transportation industry, TSA is preparing to begin legal action against Airports such as LAX primarily due to the fact that TSA screeners are not happy with the idea of being replaced with private sector workers. At issue is the highly-personal "groping" which TSA workers love to submit airline passengers to.

According to several recent passengers, who speak only on condition of anonymity, it seems that TSA workers have been slowing down processing lanes while "double-checking" passengers bodies including "suspicious" bulges.

TSA has demanded the right to double and even triple check women's breasts and men's crotches (I can think of no better word than this. If YOU can, feel free to replace).

It is rumored but not verified that TSA workers actually enjoy shouting phrases like "Opt out! We have an Opt out here!"

According to airport officials passenger complaints of excessive "groping" by TSA workers is reaching a "crisis level". LAX Kennedy and several other major airports are facing a growing fear of losing travel business due to suspicious amounts of passenger "groping" by TSA workers.

The primary complaint which airports have with TSA is that there are NO "checks-and balances". There is no one to receive or review complaints against TSA staff.

As a result of recent media articles, which oppose TSA tactics and which warn that TSA may be on its way out due to lack of oversight and responsibility and that private firms which ARE responsible and whose workers are not under federal protection will be replacing TSA gropers, it would seem that TSA is willing to go to court to retain the right to grope any passengers.

TSA has made it clear in an official statement that the agency will not willingly turn over its "duties" to private firms without a federal court order.

According to airport directors however it is predicted that TSA gropers will be replaced at as many as 95% of America's airports as early as Fall of 2011.

These same directors also point to the fact that when private sector firms are used at check points that it is shown that the private sector workers make more than twice the effort to keep passengers and luggage moving.

Airport Director Samuel Jones hailed the change to a private security concern at airports where TSA workers had slowed processing to the point where flights had to be re-routed to other airports due to "excessive" time being spent groping passengers, and at places where flight waiting time increased from 30 minutes to five hours:

"While TSA was turning my airport into a hotel with people backed up out the front door waiting to be screened and planes were burning costly fuel while TSA was doing "double-checks" of womens breasts my staff has verified that with a private firm doing the searches that wait times are almost back to PRE-TSA levels."

"Our passengers are becoming happy with the airport again since searches have been reduced to a maximum of 90 seconds. The private firm: Super-Speedy Search has the wonderful policy that if a passenger is "suspicious" Super-Speedy Search's staff are under directions to quietly ask the person aside then continue with a rapid search of additional passengers."

"Our customers are loving us again now that Super-Speedy Search is treating passengers with respect."

When this reporter contacted Super-Speedy Search director Marcia Smith about her companies policy and how its personnel treat travellers Ms. Smith seemed very happy to share what seems to be her businesses growing success.

"It is really very simple," Ms. Smith says with pride. "When people travel they want to be treated with efficiency and courtesy. My staff are trained to "Keep the line moving" as they used to say in manufacturing plants. As a traveller myself I became frustrated when at airport after airport I had to change my flight plans because TSA kept slowing down the line due to "suspicious lumps" on womens chests. When I told a TSA workers that these "lumps" are my breasts the TSA took me aside and ordered me to apologize to their staff. I told them where to place this and I ended up renting a car to drive on."

Ms. Smith then added: "By the time I got home I had spent hundreds of miles thinking "There has to be a better way". This is why I contacted my city police and a private security firm which handles warehouses. Together we devised a way to speed up the search process. I made the mistake of joking about it being a "super-speedy search" and the name stuck".

At the time of this report, Super-Speedy Search had 50 client airports already signed up and using its services while another 150 are on a waiting list since Ms. Smith does not currently have a large enough staff to reach everyone at once. Ms. Smith does admit to advertising for help but she thinks that what may be slowing the process is that her advertisement clearly states: Efficiency and courtesy are the number one concern. Super-Speedy Search needs people who are not afraid of a fast pace.

Regional airports must be in agreement. Super-Speedy Search has requests from more airports than can be listed here.

Maybe this is why TSA is preparing to file federal court papers against those airports which now use Super-Speedy Search. TSA seems to enjoy telling the public that "We must take our TIME in searching passengers to ensure in-flight safety". To use additional speed in searches would be to place the public in jeopardy.

If this is true then how is it that Super-Speedy Search has been able at one airport alone to stop seven packages which contained "possible" explosives from even reaching a plane.

According to one Washington State airport Director Mr. Lee Neilsen Super-Speedy Search has removed seven suspects from line with two actually having been planning crimes with the public none-the-wiser.

Mr. Neilsen sings the praises of Super-Speedy Search in removing the suspects from line quietly and without making a scene and not halting the search process. In fact aside from airport personnel and Super-Speedy Searches own staff no one even knew what was going on.

Mr. Neilsen is one among many professionals who will be glad when TSA is abolished. "TSA is nothing but in-competent bumbling buffoons who waste time just to show that they can".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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