Reverend Claims that Wal-Mart is the Anti-Christ

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 8 August 2005

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"Stop worshiping at the altar of the Anti-Christ," says Reverend Robinson

(AP) Flea Holler, Arkansas - The Right Reverend Billy Joe Jim Bob Robinson declared yesterday that the Lord has revealed unto him that the nation's largest retailer, Wal-Mart, is the anti-Christ. The clergyman is head pastor of the Holy Praise Jesus Christian Church of Flea Holler, Arkansas. He is a 1992 graduate of the Pig Scratch, Arkansas Sacred Worship Divinity School and Muffler Repair Shop.

When interviewed, Robinson said "Gawd is not a happy camper. Jesus is a-frettin' over the sins of the world. The Holy Spirit is a-hurtin' because of the actions of the people. This practice is sick. We must stop worshin' at the altars of the cash registers of Wal-Mart. We are givin' them our hard earned money and they are turnin' it inta filthy lucre."

Robinson continued, "Drive by any right thinkin' Christian denomination on Sunday and you will see thirty or forty cars belongin' ta people who are inside praisin' the Lord. Drive past any Wal-Mart Supercenter and the parkin' lots are full of sinners. Instead'a answering a call for repentance, they are listening fer the latest special on the intercom. Instead'a coming down the aisle to be saved, they are running down the aisle to see the latest fallin' prices. When they should be raisin' their voices in hymn with the holy choirs above, they are yellin' at the checkout clerks they didn't git the proper coupon amounts and wasn't them tomato sauces advertised at five fer a dollar? When folks should be gettin' our hearts set right in the pews of our chapels, they are gettin' their front ends aligned in the Wal-Mart auto service centers."

He also gave another reason for his accusation: "Jest look at the words Samuel Walton Stores. They each got six letters. Don't everyone know that 666 is the mark of the beast?"

Robinson also pointed out that "All ya gotta do to be a member of Gawd's club is to accept Jesus as yer personal saviour. Ta be a member of Sam's Club, ya gotta pay yer annual membership dues. This payment ta the Waltons is a-buyin' yer space in the eternal flames of the Devil's house. While ya might git a discount on two number ten cans of Folger's Coffee or the one gallon sized Suave shampoo, you ain't gonna be clean with yer caffeine in holy courts above!"

Robinson's final recommendation to people was that they should "go ta church on Sundays and listen ta the word of Jesus and do yer shoppin' at the Piggly Wiggly, where they still have double coupon Tuesdays."

Bubba Walton, great nephew of company founder Sam Walton, seemed a little put off by the Right Reverend's comments. "How dare he say that about our company! We works really hard to get people all the stuff they need to stock their bass boat, feed and clothe their families, and provide them wholesome entertainment with our dvds, movies, and music (the new Dukes of Hazzard soundtrack is a top seller in these parts). We got us toy sections fer the kiddies and lingerie sections fer the ladies to choose from and the men to ogle at. If'n folks want to come ta Wallyworld instead'a goin' ta church on Sunday, then thar must be some borin' preachin' goin' on.

When asked to comment, officials from Target just said "You're joking, right?" Officials from financially troubled K-Mart observed that as their parking lots are never full on Sundays, then K-Mart customers must be "good God fearing Christians who hate the anti-Christ and have seen the spiritual value in the blue-light specials." When this reporter pointed out the them that their parking lots are never full on any other day of the week either, they had no further comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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