Teacher Fired After Discovery of No Sexual Misconduct

Funny story written by Steve Shaw

Saturday, 6 August 2005


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CINNCINNATI, OH--Teachers and students alike at Hughes High School were shocked this week to learn that Senior math teacher Jenny Mayfield was found to not be sexually involved with any student on campus.

"I just can't believe it," exclaimed Mr. John Barrett, who teaches French two doors down from Mayfield. "She seemed so normal. Finding out that she wasn't sleeping with any students was tough to believe. I mean, we're all banging someone here. Why else would you deal with these monsters all day for menial wages?"

Mrs. Kerry Smith, a member of the Cincinnati School Board, spoke to concerned parents yesterday through a letter sent to all residences within the district stating that "Ms. Mayfield's alleged actions are a shock to us all. We at the Cincinnati School Board of Education assure you that we find her behavior to be a discredit and disgrace to the pride of Hughes High School, the Cincinnati School District and indeed the entire American education system. We would also like to assure you that we continue to work hard to keep our teacher to student ratio low, providing maximum opportunity for your son or daughter to get some from some teacher, somewhere."

The harrowing tale of rejection is best told by Mayfield's non-victim James Truman, a senior at Hughes and student of Mayfield's, who made several passes at her to no avail. "I kept coming in after class and during lunch, you know, trying to hook up, but she kept pushing me away, saying she wasn't interested and she wasn't that kind of teacher." he said, visibly shaken while recalling the events.

According to Truman, his attempts weren't even limited to plain sex. She went so far as to turn him down for many other things, including a simple make-out session, oral sex, anal sex, and even a proposed tag-team with one of his friends. "She was an animal," said Truman. "It seemed like she could never turn me down enough. Eventually it began to stress me out, and I started talking to my friends about it. They couldn't believe some of the nasty things she and I weren't doing. I felt so un-pressured into nothing by her, I didn't know whether to tell my parents or not."

Eventually, he did tell his parents about several encounters with Mayfield, and their frustrating conclusions. Mr. and Mrs. Harold Truman immediately took action, demanding that the school and board of education take action against Mayfield.

Acting swiftly, Mayfield was promptly put on suspension by the school board until the charges could be further examined. She was fired however, when she admitted to the allegations against her within minutes of hearing their details. "No, I didn't have sex with James!" she said, "What's the problem? Why the hell am I being fired?"

The problem now fixed, students at Hughes High are once again going about their daily lives, sleeping with teachers and carrying on as teenagers do. "It's such a relief to have things back to normal," said Alexandra Byrnes. "When I heard about Ms. Mayfield, it was hard to trust any of my teachers like I did before. Things are starting to come back to normal, though. Oops," she said as she glanced at her watch. "I've got to go, I'm late for my tutorial session with Mr. Dwight."

Many parents do not share their children's renewed trust of the system, however. "This is a signal that we need to review and update the screening process for hiring within the school district," said one concerned parent. "We cannot allow another non-sex offender or potential non-sex offender like Jenny Mayfield slip through the cracks again."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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