TSA Administrator Pistole Found Guilty

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Sunday, 5 December 2010


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"Guilty as charged!"

Washington DC: A Federal Court in the District of Columbia heard the case of Airline Passengers Vs Transportation Security Administration (TSA) Administrator John S. Pastole. The TSA Administrator was charged with violating the Fourth Amendment rights of airline passengers.

The Honorable Judge George Washington had the Bailiff Paul Revere read the charges against Mr. Pastole. The class action suit charged TSA employees executed warrantless search and seizure procedures in violation of the Fourth Amendment to the US Constitution. These innocent airline travelers were simply trying to get from one destination to another. Techniques such as invasive full body scans via X-ray machines and enhanced pat down procedures were employed.

James Madison, the plaintiffs attorney advanced his arguments, without calling witnesses, by producing 50 million affidavits from male and female travelers trying to board aircraft who were groped, prodded, had their boobs fondled or had their "junk touched!" Mr. Madison is a noted authority on the Fourth Amendment to the US Constitution!

Eric Holder, the current US Attorney General defended the government's position by calling only a single witness President Barack Obama. The president said that "he stood by the new controversial screening measures, calling methods such as pat-downs and body scans necessary to assure airline safety." Mr. Pastole did not take the witness stand, as is his right under the Fifth Amendment to the US Constitution not to incriminate himself!

The empanelled jury of Thomas Jefferson, George Mason, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Thomas Paine, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, George McHenry, Patrick Henry, Martha Washington, Dolly Madison and Betsy Ross then reached a verdict. The Jury Forman Mr. Jefferson, after 10 minutes of jury deliberation gave the verdict to the Bailiff. Mr. Revere read aloud the unanimous jury decision of guilty as charged.

Judge Washington thanked the jury for their speedy verdict and announced that a sentencing hearing would be held in two weeks, pending any appeal. The judge indicated he needed to review the case of John Andre a British spy who was hanged during the American Revolution. Mr. Andre was an acquaintance of Benedict Arnold who managed to seek exile in Great Britain.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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