Future News: Palin Actually Wins 2012 Race

Written by Inhopeless

Friday, 26 November 2010


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The Bright Lights of America, Life and Death in a Sold-Out America (Anti-Flag - "Bright Lights of America")

(Published in 2012) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - The whole world had to eat its words today, as Sarah Palin won the presidental race for the Republicans.

The race was hard-fought, with either Democrat hopefuls Obama or Hillary Clinton, or Republican James Hall being the ones to win the race.

"Obama did amazing over the past few years," said Nick Robinson, political editor to Britain's BBC, "including that handling of the 2011 Korean War crisis, and giving aid to Britain during the 2012 Birimingham Bombings. But the fact that Palin won?! It would've been okay if the other guys had won, but Palin?! I choked that night!"

Palin won in a landslide vote against her better-educated peer Hall, and against a majority from Obama.

However, some commentators are saying that she couldn't handle America for the next four years.

"It wouldn't be fair to say that she has no experience of government," said political expert Chris Lorre. "Obama didn't, but he ran an exceptional term. But she CAN'T. She will lower taxes for everyone, making America have an ever bigger deficit. People aren't gonna buy any more. They have enough shit piling up in their garages."

At this reporter's disapointment, had to interview Palin.

"Well," she said, "Yay! I've won! Firstly, I'll stop immigration. We don't need them. Secondly, I'll launch a bunch of nukes at Korea. I dunno which one, I never knew there were two. Thirdly, I'll make sure you in the lamestream media be put under serious content control. What else? Oh, yeah. I'll make myself dictator for life."

If she was a guy, she'd be without the -tator. Some Republicans who are now in the Senate are still a little unsure.

"It's nice to have a job," said Sen. Robert Gareth. "But at what cost to the nation? A tyranical ruler? Oh god. Who the fuck voted for her?"

However, new documents and video uncovered by Google Inc., Apple Inc., and Microsoft Corp. have worked out how she got so many votes.

"We thought we'd team up together," said Nelson Herbert of Google. "She plans to deport some of the best guys in our team, and we don't want that. Plus, our Android is in use at all computerised voting booths, so we know the exact votes."

Microsoft have tracked bills from Palin's computer indicating a virus that was released into the water supply of many Democrat-leaning neighbourhoods, and in some cases, entire square-miles (That's roughly 100-400 homes).

Apple have found out that on Palin's iPhone Sixteen, she made calls to several assasins to take down people of influence, for example, nineteen calls were made concerning George Frank, a Democrat-leaning author and lead singer for a highly popular rock band.

However, the evidence is not enough to take Palin to court, or to get a recount.

Due to new laws enacted bypassing Congress, using Article 56: (in very small print) "A president/ess can suspend democracy in an event of emergency, and rule directly", no lawsuits can be brought up against the United States government.

Did I write United States? Sorry, it's now called the United Empire.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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