For those world-weary air travelers that have had to settle for having their crotch swept by the latex-covered back of the hand by some anonymous Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agent, rejoice: Now the TSA can work over your scumsack with their soft, warm, tender, fleshy palms.
"The TSA is moving away from the screener's traditional backward hand pat," said Hubert Cumberdale, a TSA shill. "And moving toward more of a nurturing, front-of-hand, sliding motion."
Passengers whose metal hip or sneaker bomb set off a metal detector or are flagged for 'additional screening'* will have the option of the going through the luxurious new c-ckfondle, or undergo the new full body scan, airport officials said.
Travelers are loving the new service.
"It sounds like hot action to me," said David Firth, on his way to Las Vegas. "F--k, I'm going to pick the line with the hottest TSA worker and let my vacation begin!"
Others think that it is disconcerting.
"Safety's important, but, at the same time, I think, I don't know, do they really think I am carrying a gun in my uterus?" said Keyport, NJ resident Marjory Stewart-Baxter.
"They patted this one guy down for, like, ten or fifteen minutes," said Jeremy Fisher. "God, it took him forever to ejaculate. Do you know what that does to the lines??
The Transportation Security Administration reminds travelers that they can afford themselves of the new full-body scanners, which use safe, effective and refreshing x-rays to clear a passenger through security.
"The amount of radiation used is quite small, and it is 100% safe," said TSA Safety Secretary Milford Cubicle.
"Despite what Ground-Zero rescue workers, farmers who used DDT, Tuskegee syphilis patients, former Thalidomide users and Gulf of Mexico seafood consumers would like you to believe," concluded Cubicle. "The US government would never tell you something that was harmful is safe."
* Travelers are selected at random for additional screening based on a random list of last names, generated by computer.
This year's list of last names are as follows:
Abd Al-Ala, Abdul, Aalee, Adl, Afuw, Ahad, Aziz, Baari, Baasit, Baqi, Barr, Baseer, Fattah, Ghafaar, Hafeez, Hafiz, Hakeem, Hameed, Haq, Haseeb, Jabbar, Jawwad, Karim, Maajid, Malik, Mateen, Obama, Muhaimin and Smith.
