Written by Rob Norman

Tuesday, 21 June 2005

image for Bolton nomination delayed again by dimwitted Democrats
Bolton's record challenged

Washington, DC - Once again, the nomination of John Bolton has been delayed by Democratic leaders bent on exposing the current undersecretary of state for arms control as having conflicting agendas. Bolton, who Senator Joseph Biden (D-Delaware) described as a "washed up musician trying to weasel his way into politics," is seeking confirmation as US ambassador to the United Nations. Democratic leaders have been wrestling for weeks with the nomination while debates rage on as to whether Republicans are using Bolton's celebrity status to gain support from the American public.

"First it was Sonny Bono as Congressman, then Schwarzenegger as Governor and now they are trying to get Bolton into the UN," raged Senator Paul Sarbanes (D-Maryland). "And don't think his new paste-on mustache is fooling anyone either," he continued. "We know who he is. My first wife couldn't get enough of the guy. We used to have his stupid albums all over our living room."

Republicans remained perplexed by the stonewalling. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice chided Democratic leaders in a press conference today. "I cannot believe that they still think we're talking about Michael Bolton here," Rice complained. "I mean, the President just slipped on that once. He didn't mean to say Michael Bolton and certainly didn't mean to compare him to Frank Sinatra," she continued. "I mean these guys aren't even in the same league, right? Sinatra was… well… Sinatra."

Even as Bolton continued to refute his alleged musical past in confirmation hearings, Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Conn) refused to let up on the pressure. "I know it's going to be tough out there representing the United States at the UN," Dodd explained. "But let's get one thing straight. What we need is a tough guy in the ambassador's chair… Someone who's just not willing to take any BS from those guys. What we don't need is some fruit loop singing songs and dancing when he should be out there kicking ass and taking names." Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) chimed in for the record, "I think you hit the nail on the head, Senator… We need a tough guy not a fruit loop. Shall we vote again? I'm getting hungry."

The Bush White House remains speechless.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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