Vivian's Way

Funny story written by John Cavanagh

Friday, 29 October 2010

image for Vivian's Way
"The progressive agenda should not be sabotaged by any archaic notions contained within the first amendment."

NEW YORK (AP) - NPR chief, Vivian Schiller, denied that there was anything "mafia-like" in her firing of news man, Juan Williams.

"We run a legitimate business here at NPR."

When asked why she was not prepared to meet Juan Williams in person when firing him she said that she "regretted" that part of her decision.

Schiller added: "But you must understand I became nervous with the idea of giving bad news to an African-American male. They tend to get very angry at times, don't they?"

When asked what she would have said to him, Schiller appeared to become more composed and provided the following response:

"It's not personal Juan - it's strictly business."

"When you make comments as you have Juan, you disrespect the family at NPR. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?"

'If you had come to me in friendship and said, "Vivian, I want to say something controversial on the network of Hyman Roth - I mean Rupert Murdoch" - then I could have enlightened you with the progressive truth and this neo-liberal scum that has corrupted your mind would be suffering this very day.'

"And, if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies such as this man, Murdoch, then they would be my enemies and they would fear you."

"You speak of free speech, but do you know what you say? We are heading in the right direction Juan. We are moving forward!"

A representative from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting provided further context to the Williams sacking decision.

"It's imperative that the progressive view continues to be heard unchallenged from autonomous public spaces like NPR, PBS and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting."

"The progressive agenda should not be sabotaged by any archaic notions contained within the first amendment."

"We don't want to retreat back to the rantings of James Madison and his ilk. Would you have the media solely be both a check and watchdog on the State, or rather, a small part of that very same State itself? Somewhere we can all wet our beaks."

"We, at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, have worked very hard to obtain at least some State support for our progressive agenda and all we ask in return is that the context of all broadcast comments be in general support of the great party of the State in America - and by that, I don't mean the Republicans."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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