Barack Obama Wants to Replace U.S. Constitution with PRO-stitution

Funny story written by Elvin F. Verdad

Sunday, 17 October 2010

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President Barack Obama today announced a new initiative to replace the United States Constitution, now in place for some 225 years, with a new type of document, which he referred to as a PRO-stitution. This news sent most news reporters off looking for a dictionary and caused quite a stir in political circles.

Nancy Pelosi called this the best thing for the country but admitted under a barrage of questions that she really had no idea what it is. "We have to pass it so everyone can find out what it is," echoing a similar statement she made about the healthcare bill.

So what is exactly is a PRO-stitution, Obama was asked. "It's just like the constitution, only better," he replied. "The trouble with a constitution (non-capitalized to show his contempt for it) is that it places too many limits on the government's freedom. The name is simple to understand. What's the opposite of con? Pro, as in 'weighing the pros and cons.'"

In a radio 2001 radio interview, Obama expressed his disdain for the Constitution. Obama stated, "generally the Constitution is a charter of negative liberties. Says what the states can't do to you. Says what the federal government can't do to you, but doesn't say what the federal government or state government must do on your behalf."

Obama is certain to run into opposition. Political scholars have weighed in on this issue with comments as diverse as "you've got to be f-ing kidding me", "if that little snot thinks the population isn't going to rise up, throw him out of office and laugh while doing it, he doesn't know his history" and (from a known liberal political scholar) "it's about time we got rid of all those pesky limits on government!"

An anonymous white house source explained to Fox News exactly why this unexpected move was taken. "You see, our health bill has some problems" stated the anonymous source, "many points, or maybe the whole thing, is clearly unconstitutional. Obama only recently read the constitution after losing a bet with Karl Rove over a drunken game of Risk in October. Once he did read it, he said this has got to change, otherwise we have no hope."

The healthcare bill takes the unprecedented move of forcing Americans to purchase a service from a private corporation or face penalties. The bill also enables the government's tentacles to reach into private homes and families, with forced mental health screening initiatives. People, including the elderly and children, will be drawn into the mental health system and given labels based on subjective criteria and hooked on mind-altering substances known to have severe side effects including weight gain, diabetes, sexual dysfunction, violence and suicide.

Recognizing that this intrusion into the lives of Americans could never be supported with a document like the Constitution in existence, the plan was hatched to replace it.

Responding to a reporters question about the name of the document's unfortunate resemblance to the world's oldest profession, President Obama said, "with the PRO-stitution, like with prostitution, you get what you want - you need health care, you get it, bam! If we want to take away money from those who earned to give it to those unwilling to work, bam! If we the government need to tell the Americans how to live and what to do so that they can achieve what we define as happiness, bam!" Then staring off into the sky he said "we the government, I like that, I'm going to use that."

While PRO-stitution document is incomplete, certain parts have been leaked out by anonymous sources. The Bill of Rights is still there but with some changes. Free speech has been redefined as the right to free expression and assembly, provided that the message is limited to only those messages approved by the newly created Minstry of Truth. The second amendment has been changed to, "the existence of a militia no longer being of any service to the federal government, the right to bear arms is now abridged and limited to any use that is not deemed to threaten the power of the federal government."

The PRO-stitution defines the following services that the government must provide for all its citizens, regardless of cost or who pays for it - healthcare, retirement, funding for education, including 6 years of college for all, free televisions and cell phones, no longer regarded as luxuries, and that every American must be screened for mental illness according to government-defined criteria.

Sarah Palin stated in an interview, "I told you so." She further elaborated that Obama's disdain for the Constitution (capitalized, of course!) and for America itself is obvious, that we should have seen this coming and repeated, "I told you so, you betcha!"

Rush Limbaugh, conservative talk-show host and harmless, lovable little fuzzball, weighed in on this curious statement, as the Constitution is well-known to be the greatest document in history for protecting individual freedom and liberty. "Obama's problem with the Constitution is that he doesn't think it says enough about what government can do. To Obama, the Constitution is too limiting to government. He doesn't like the Bill of Rights. He thinks there needs to be a second Bill of Rights that specifies what the government can do to people - or for people, in his view."

Work has also begun on a replacement for the Declaration of Independence with the working title "Declaration of Dependence" which, among other things, replaces "we the people" with "we the government".

We certainly live in interesting times.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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