Republican senators pass law forcing new trial for Michael Jackson

Funny story written by davoarid

Friday, 17 June 2005

image for Republican senators pass law forcing new trial for Michael Jackson
Above: Insane man Michael Jackson

A group of Republican senators rushed to Washington in the middle of the night to pass emergency legislation to force a retrial in the recently concluded Michael Jackson child molestation case.

"We have reason to believe that the jury made a terrible mistake in this case," said John Cornyn (R-TX). "This new piece of legislation seeks to remedy that mistake."

"I question the jury's verdict in the Michael Jackson case," Tennessee senator Bill Frist said in a press conference Thursday. "I question it based on a review of the Entertainment Tonight video reenactments of the trial I spent an hour or so looking at last night in my office."

The Michael Jackson Act of 2005 declares that, "All individuals in California who are named Michael Jackson and are on trial for child molestation must, until the end of the year, be required to undergo two criminal trials to determine his guilt." No other individuals were listed in the Act.

Rick Santorum (R-PA) added, "Whenever we have a legal dispute involving kids, as we clearly had in this trial, we will err on the side of children, the most precious members of our society."

In a press release, Michael Jackson, a 46 year old musician who experienced some mild popularity in the early 1980s, called the legislation "ignorant."

Some Democratic senators criticized the legislation, including Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin.

"This ‘Michael Jackson Act' is straight out of Nazi Germany. Josef Stalin and his pals would have signed this in a heartbeat. It is, by a very wide margin, the most fascist piece of legislation signed in the history of the universe," Durbin said on the senate floor. "Move over Pol Pot, we have a new dictator in town, and his name is the GOP."

Former presidential candidate John Kerry (D-MA) also directed some criticism towards the legislation, saying that the Michael Jackson Act "will, in all likelihood, be found unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. Never before has the Senate passed legislation that affects only one person, because that's not how we work. And it is because of those reasons that I applaud the passage of it."

The new trial is expected to begin next Monday.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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