Lindsay Lohan, released today in preparation for tomorrow's court appearance, is already stoned off her ass, claims paparazzi waiting to photograph her and sell the images to Inside Edition for $500 a pop.
Stay clean and enjoy your life, you retard.
"She came down the steps at Betty Ford," said a 'photojournalist' waiting outside. "She waved to her fans, gave us the finger, then pulled a little baggie out of the back of her underpants."
"We all thought she was going to do a little bump or something," he continued. "Instead, she raised her head and dumped the entire bag into her nose."
"It's allergy medicine, you f--kheads," slurred Lohan, whose face now looks as if it was made of a discarded orange leather suitcase, after wiping some of the 'allergy medicine' on her gums. "I have hayfever."
"Should anyone be surprised by this," asked one of Lohan's detractors, ostensibly here to watch the young woman fall flat on her face. "She's not going to take this opportunity to get sober any more seriously than she has her other opportunities."
"The court system has coddled her, her 'supporters' enable her, and we as human beings don't learn our lessons until we are well and truly f--ked," continued the man. "And I, for one, have nothing better to do with my time than to watch her fail."
Lohan will be in front of a Judge tomorrow, at which time he will explain why her ass is getting thrown back into rehab, instead of jail, until he finds out she already got high.