Well, at least we didn't have our hopes up. It was reported today that previously unknown discussions between the United States and North Korea have abruptly collapsed. The discussions, which were classified as "Super Secret", have been occurring regularly at an undisclosed location inside North Korea since early this summer.
A State Department official, speaking under condition of three cosmopolitans, confirmed the meetings had been taking place. When asked about the substance of the talks and the reason for the collapse he said "We really tried to make this work and, to their credit, so did the North Koreans. But the simple truth is we have nothing in common, there's nothing to talk about. We have Nintendo Wii, they have, I don't know, What came before Pong? They don't have Facebook. Or smart phones. Or rain. Or food. Or scotch."
"We spent three months staring back at one another. I'm not saying there was any kind of a conspiracy, but those weren't the most attractive people north of the 38th parallel. Then, they couldn't even do Super Secret right," he said referring to the highly classified level of the talks. "Everyone knows that when you do Super Secret, you don't tell anyone what you're doing. The second day, they brought along some Chinese friends, which was a welcome distraction, but it's not Super Secret."
"Day three, they wanted to see our horns," he continued. "It seems they are taught from birth that Americans are capitalistic devils. Things went down hill from there. Finally, yesterday, it was going to be Kim Jung Il paper doll day and we said enough. We left them at the table with doll in hand, climbed aboard a State Department plane and told them to take us to the nearest bar that served scotch. We've been here in Seoul ever since."
Is there a chance that talks could resume? "Probably not." Said the official. "I'm willing to meet with the North Koreans anywhere but North Korea. The North Koreans don't want their people traveling out side of North Korea. I think they are afraid one of them might see a light bulb or a McDonald's. That could endanger their communist paradise."