Churlish Captain Capitalism Saves Miners

Funny story written by DonJon

Friday, 15 October 2010


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Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Churlish Captain Capitalism & Executive Sidekick, Dale the Driller, saved the Chilean miners using their free-market super hero tools. "It needs to be said," stated The Captain, "The rescue is a smashing victory for free-market capitalism and myself. It may seem churlish of me, but then again, I am the Churlish Captain Capitalism."

Thirty three miners working in the San Jose mine owned by Compania Minera San Esteban were rescued after 69 days. The timing corresponded with the quarterly reporting for the company, "We felt it would improve stockholder return to have our human resources out by the end of the quarter," stated a spokesperson for the corporation, adding, "The market doesn't respond well to dead miners."

The Churlish Captain Capitalism, sporting his double Center Cock drill heads, used for down-the-hole hammer drilling, was able to penetrate the miners enclosed space. "The Chilean miners have never experienced down-the-hole hammer drilling the Capitalist way," declared the Captain.

Stating that capitalism is the hero in the saga of the Chilean miners, the Captain offered, "The Capitalist exploitation = shareholder profit = innovation dynamic was everywhere at that Chilean mine. The mine owners have already secured licensing rights to the folk songs they wrote while waiting to die."

Dale the Driller, Executive Sidekick to the Churlish Captain Capitalism, used capitalist super hero drilling techniques to reach the miners. After completing the down-the-hole hammer drilling, the miners were strapped into a harness inside a 21-inch-wide bullet-shaped capsule. They wore green moisture-resistant Nike track suits and Oakley sunglasses provided by the sponsors of the rescue.

Exclaiming the success of the rescue as a victory for Capitalism, the Captain claimed, "If those miners had been trapped a half-mile down like this 35 years ago, this Banana Republic would have had to use bed sheets tied together. But rampant Capitalism in Chile, thanks to a patriotic CIA who secretly placed the revered Augusto Pinochet in power, provided these miners with this profitable rescue experience."

The miners concurred that the great success of Capitalism had impacted their lives. "It was Capitalism that gave me the opportunity of spending 55 years of my life underground," Mario Gómez, the oldest of the miners at 64, declared." In a show of appreciation, The miners came out of the mine singing the Anthem of Capitalism,

We love you Capitalism
Oh yes we do
We love you Capitalism
And will be true!
When you're give'n it to us
A hardy screw!
Oh, Capitalism, we love you....

In a show of Capitlist love the newly freed miners were given socks before reporting by to work to make up for lost time on the job.

In a statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of the Pamphlet, he stated, "The Churlish Captain of Capitalism has lost his mind if he thinks this human disaster is a victory for Capitalism. These miners were working a dangerous job at low wages to make assholes like him rich. It is the typical capitalist story of wage slavery."

Written in response to the crazy op-ed in the Wall Street Journal: Capitalism Saved Miners, by Daniel Henninger.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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