Don't f--k with Elmo. He's not just the bisexual, drug abusing Communist-sympathizing Neo-Nazi feared and reviled by children and their grown parents who watch "Sesame Street" instead of good kids' programming -- like anything on Nick, Jr. except their newest special, 'Dora Saves the Cuban Immigrant Floating toward South Florida on a Door'-- he's a Muppet, which means that people think he's a pushover.
Until he pulls the Barber's razor he keeps in his shoe and bisects your exterior carotid artery, which is exactly what he did after an apparent cocaine-and-cheap-hookers binge in seedy Miami, Florida.
An unidentified man is hospitalized this hour in a Winter Park, Fla., hospital, after being stabbed by Elmo in a local guitar store.
"Elmo loves to come to guitar store to try out the stompboxes," said the red, furry kids' show funny-monkey. "Elmo read the Kurt used a Boss DS-2 to record 'In Utero', so Elmo wanted one, too."
What happens next is hotly debated between the witneses.
"Some stupid pingito was wasting a salesperson's time, trying out a 70s-era Gibson Hummingbird that cost more than the 1997 Corolla he drive to the store in," said Feliz Navidad, a day-laborer.
"And he just kept playing the guitar intro to 'Stairway to Heaven' over and over," continued Navidad. "Do, do do do, do, do do do DO, do do do do do do do do do do, do do do. You know that part?"
"Elmo knows that that is a pretty song," said Elmo, who is currently awaiting arraignment and a bail hearing. "But, Elmo also knows it's played in the major 'blues box' on the seventh and fifth fret, not the sixth and fourth. Over and over. What could Elmo do?"
Elmo told the media he then brought some "Sesame Street" justice down on the tone-deaf bell-end, eventually shoving him into a glass display, which shattered and cut the crazy guy up to the point of hospitalization.
"'Don't tickle me, bro!' he kept saying," Elmo stated. " I said, 'Today's Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter 'F' and the letter 'U', and by the number 'suck my d--k'."