White House - "Economy Is Fantastically Boom-a-licious"

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Thursday, 23 September 2010

image for White House - "Economy Is Fantastically Boom-a-licious"
Based on Stimulus Spending Estimates, Everyone in America is Now a Billionaire

WASHINGTON, DC - Press Secretary Robert Gibbs reminded Americans of the economic paradise that this administration has brought to 99% of families living in the United States (legally or otherwise). "You should be grateful you're not forced to speak German and eat nothing but veal which has been genetically modified by time-traveling Nazis so it tastes like wilted asparagus." Gibbs declined to elaborate on his claims, saying the information was protected under Executive Order and "State Secrets."

In the past, the New York Times would immediately repeat any White House statement as front page news. However, in a possible sign the President's popularity is truly in decline, the publication has yet to put "Obama Saves World from Time-Traveling Nazis" in its headlines.

As proof of the numerous successful programs which Democrats have begun, Vice President Biden cited a U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics report showing the previous administration had destroyed nearly 700 BILLION jobs. "You know, it's a testament to the brilliance of our economic advisors that unemployment isn't 15, 20, or 200 percent in some places," he added with confidence.

Outside of Washington DC, the perception is not so favorable. In fact, many describe the skepticism as "hostile," pointing to reports such as:

  • Drilling Moratorium Kills 23,000 Jobs in Gulf and Reduces GDP by $2 Billion
  • Administration Sends $4 Billion to Mexico and Brazil for Off-Shore Drilling, Thereby Promoting "Environmental Irresponsibility."
  • Obama Says "Under My Plan of a Cap and Trade System, Electricity Rates Would Necessarily Skyrocket"
  • Last Major GE Incandescent Light Bulb Factory Closed, Regulations Force Nearly All Light Bulb Manufacturing Overseas
  • Some California Agricultural Communities Near 40% Unemployment as EPA Denies Water for Irrigation

In addition, there are dozens of quotes where the Obama staff embraces Marxist policy or anti-Capitalist sentiments. For example, John Holdren, Obama's "Science Czar" stated the US must "De-Develop."

Suspicions concerning the "true intent" of President Obama's Czars were heightened after an anonymous source claimed to have seen Holdren kneeling before a black obelisk on a pedestal of horned skulls, and kissing it repeatedly.

The Holdren story does not surprise political analysts who remember his 1970's prediction of a FROZEN Apocalypse consuming the globe. "It's really creepy the way he obsesses with destruction and fantasies of human extinction," said Dr Eric Kimball of the MIT Physics Department. Holdren seems to be looking for a new "Doomsday" theory, now that "Global Warming" faces serious charges of scientific fraud and conspiracy to censor research which discredited reports from the Climatic Research Unit. Rumor has it that he will "discover" the next global crisis of "Acid Oceans ... WHICH CAN STRIP THE FLESH FROM BONES IN A SECOND," and George Soros will fund its "research" through multiple Pro-Global Government, Socialist organizations.

In spite of how "great" Obama says the US economy is, the 9.6% unemployment rate has caused some people to rename the "Summer of Recovery" to the "Summer of BULLSHIT," and they're eager to see many Congressmen becoming jobless politicians.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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