A Minnesota man, I. M. DeLusional, is suing that big, scary, ugly Doom video game character that shoots bombs out of his arms that nobody can seem to kill, for violating his civil right to his freedom to the pursuit of happiness.
"You have no idea how much pain and suffering this big, ugly, scary guy has caused me", whined DeLusional. "Every time I play the Final Doom game at the Ultra-Violence level, I am happily running about hell, killing everything in sight, until I run into that big, ugly, scary guy who blows me to hell with one shot. He hardly ever gives me a chance to shoot him. When I do get the chance, I can shoot him a kazillion times with bombs and he never dies".
"He's not like those other big, scary sunburned guys who throw green slime at you", he continued. "You can kill them with about six bombs. But not this guy, no way. This schmoe runs around bare butt, wearing a mutilated goats head. Hell, this guy must think it's Halloween every day".
"You would think that there would be laws against running about bare butt, wearing a mutilated goats head. I don't know how this guy gets away with it. I would think that PETA would be after this guy".
"I have nightmares about being killed by this guy. Believe me. I am not happy about this. He even killed my dog Spotless".
When someone pointed out that a dog named Spotless, who was full of spots, was alive and well and sitting at his side, DeLusional rolled his eyes and shouted:
"Have you idiots ever played this game? You can always reset and start all over alive! That is why my dog is still here! That is why I am still here!"
When we asked his lawyer, Mr. Meisterfibber if the big, ugly, scary guy had retained a lawyer,
Meisterfibber replied:
"At this point we are really not sure. We called hell to find out but only got an answering machine that said:
"This is hell where the women and men are really, really hot. We are not available to poke you with a pitch fork. Please leave a message and we will get back to poke you with one. Believe us, if you are a lawyer, we definitely will be poking you with a pitch fork".
As of this point in time, Minnesota Circuit Court judge, Carlos DeBoozer, has allowed this case to go forward.
