Written by Elizabeth

Friday, 22 April 2005

image for Illegal Dye, Sudan, found in Blood
Some artificial blood yesterday

The illegal red food dye, Sudan, has been found in artificial blood imported from outside the European Union it was revealed today and could be the biggest threat to human health since the salmonella in eggs alert back in 1988.

A plasma replacement institute somewhere outside the European Union developed artificial blood using milk, eggs and sugar in 2003. "It would resemble custard were it not for the addition of colouring to increase its authenticity," said a company spokeswoman at the time.

Job seeker, Phil MacAvity*, was treated with the prototype plasma during an emergency procedure following an excessive consumption of syrup puddings resulting in spongiformitosis.

This condition is normally associated with bakery products, in particular those with a high flour content. Flour-based products have been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating extreme amounts could lead to the body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread puddingy person.

A spokesperson for the hospital confirmed this. Chief medical officer, Dr. Hook said, "Mr. MacAvity was running an extremely high fever on admission; man, that guy was cooking! Once we had given him the transfusion, he was delicious"

A leading medical journal today issued a warning on the intravenous use of artificial plasma as unsuitable for diabetics.

It also raised concerns about the spread of HIV (High Intake of Vanilla) and neurological conditions, such as CCC (Cowardly Cowardly Custard).

Said Professor Plum, "There has not been enough risk assessment with regard to CBRs (confectionary blood replacers). Tests have so far have only been carried out on doughnuts, ├ęclairs and trifles."

While the medics do not foresee any long term effects at this stage, victims are advised to look for signs of redness within the blood vessels and a tikka-like hue to the skin. Anyone who thinks they have been affected should contact the hospital where they received the transfusion for a full replacement.
A new report has just been issued by the British Independent Zoological society (BIZ) and the Federation of Animals' Edible Confectionary and Eating Studies (FAECES) which has proved that transfusions using CBRs on humans must stop with immediate effect regarding.
Had they been consulted, they could have informed the medical establishment of the results of recent tests carried out on man's closest living relatives, laboratory turkeys. It was discovered that giving these animals excess bread with added CBRs causes an untimely and gruesome death with the unfortunate animals swelling up to more than ten times their normal size. However on the plus side there is the added benefit of the birds laying creme eggs and coming with a ready made supply of bread sauce.

The British Medical Council was unavailable for comment. "We are unavailable for comment," said a spokesman.

*Name changed to protect identity.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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