Washington AC/DC - (Spy-Who-Bagged-Me Mess): Semen stains linked to a Washington intern suspected of being the as-yet undiscovered 12th member of the Anna Chapman Russian spy ring??

Forensics in London is staying absolutely schtum.

However Wednesday's glitzy Mayfair Waterboardingstones booksigning - (How I Won The War! By Tony Blair} - has been put on hold.

An emergency summons to the White House sees the ex-UK Prime Monster hotfoot it to DC for some very tricky Obama facetime.

Top of the agenda is a category 10 hurricane-sized row about the death of spook Gareth Williams.

The mathematical genius, MI6 cryptographer and reputed sibling of Labour's Prince of Darkness Peter Mandelbrot - er...Mandelson! - died before handing over the new goddam offshore bank account details!

Months of expert phishing in troubled Deepwater Horizon waters and suddenly wham!

$100 million of skimming opportunities on the $20 billion BP oil slick disaster fund have suddenly gone down the pan.

In Texas Dubya is apoplectic, reportedly refusing his anti-hallucination meds.

And newlywed Chelsea Clinton Lewinsky-Mezvinsky is threatening to release a lurid sex video showing Gareth Williams during a recent National Security Agency secondment shagging an up-and-coming Illinois congressman destined for glory!

Euan Blair is mad as a hatter.