Written by Chuck the Canuck

Monday, 18 April 2005

image for Creation Scientist Forced to Endorse Evolution
Great Grandad Cyril in a contemplative moment.

PIXY TWADDLE GAZETTE -- Long time staunch proponent of virgin births, talking shrubbery and literate livestock, Richard Noggin, part time sessional lecturer at Confused Christian Scientists for Stasis Community College and senior pastor for the congregation of the Morbidly Obese Southern Baptist Snake Handlers of Atlanta, made a startling discovery while attending a recent family reunion in his home town of Pixy Twaddle, GA.

In between the dowsing, the cross whittling and the demon wrestling, Pastor Noggin found time to reflect on the many happy times he had spent in the environs of Pixy Twaddle as a boy. Everywhere he looked there was a memory. Over by the barn was the sturdy little wooden cross that he and his brothers Thicky and Vacant had reverently stapled the family cat to while playing Christians and Romans. Nearby was the scorched stump that had seen the martyrdom of many a heretic squirrel and field mouse. There was the pond of righteousness, where countless witches in the guise of puppies and kittens were put to the question. He found himself standing in the exact spot, where forty years earlier an overly exuberant game of "Brothers of Wrath, Saintly Slayers of Sin", had resulted in brother Vacant's frightful, disfiguring impairment.

Undoubtedly, as the result of the extended family's early afternoon gesticulations, incantations and fancy dance steps in the "Miracle Challenge", it started to rain. To avoid the deluge he retreated inside and found himself walking the halls, that so many years ago, he and his brothers "T" and "V" had so gleefully festooned with crayon rainbows of burning witches, mounted crusaders and scripture. Already over stimulated from a rousing day of reunion activities, Pastor Noggin decided to forego the wet bodice contest and adder juggling about to commence in the parlor and retreated to his room to freshen up.

While puttering around in his room, Noggin found a battered, old trunk hidden at the back of the closet. Deep within its dusty environs, he came across a ribbon bound package of old photos. Along with pictures of him as a child in his "Hop Along Cassidy" costume, there appeared to be some photos of his parents as children as well. He knew that they must be his parents because he recognized the confused faces of his grandparents.

It would be the group of photos he was to discover next that would be the catalyst for his conversion. Folded in a tattered advertisement for "Cyril the Unicycling Chimp", Noggin came across an old sepia toned print showing what appeared to be his maternal grandmother as a young woman, standing in front of a banner that appeared to be a larger version of the faded carnival flyer. There was also another picture of the same girl several years younger standing in front of the same banner, only this time, off to the side, there appeared to be a rather homely woman holding hands with a tastefully attired chimpanzee.

As Noggin had been shuffling through the old photos an uncomfortable feeling had been building in the pit of his stomach. It would be the photo he would discover next that would change his life forever. It was another picture of an obviously younger homely woman and the chimp, only this time the chimp was dressed in a tuxedo and the woman was dressed in a wedding gown proudly holding baby to her breast.

Suddenly all at once it came to him in a blinding flash of reason. Not only was he directly descended from the apes on his mother's side, but if the overly hirsute nature of his sister's twins was any indication, in all likelihood he was also a monkey's uncle two times over.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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