In a scene reminiscent of Hitchcock's The Birds, a flock of pigeons swooped over the Capitol steps and crapped all over Rep. Charley Rangel (D) of New York. Reports are coming in from multiple locations across the country where similar attacks have smothered Bernie Madoff, Roddie Blagojevith, Paris Hilton, Nancy Pelosi, Lindsay Lohan, Barney Frank, Rachel Maddow, and Snooki in Grade A homogenized pigeon excrement.
Collateral damage is reported as minimal. According to Colonel Horatio Bejesus of the 101st Airborne Division, "Obviously, these avian bombardiers have a well-honed inate GPS. I wish our drones were as precise as those damn pigeons."
At this point, other than radio-politico pundit, Rush Limbaugh, no one has an explanation for these attacks. According to Mr. Limbaugh, "It's obvious to me that these birds are targeting those with no talent, no intelligence and no integrity."
It was at this point in the interview that an elephant crept into Limbaugh's sound booth and unloaded one helluva deposit on the commentator's head. It was at that point when the interview was concluded.